WWE RAW Results - New Champ, Punk Leaving

-So WWE is doing another three hour Raw as an endurance test of my bladder and consciousness. Last week’s show wasn’t bad, but it dragged worse than Stephanie McMahon’s breasts when she’s 80. And after some sketchy, cartoony moments at WWE Capitol Punishment (with some good wrestling as a balance), Raw’s framed by a “Power to the People” theme.

-Ahh, but CM Punk is promising something big tonight. Maybe he’ll challenge Randall Keith Orton to a “tattoo removal via carrot peeler” match. I’m in.

-Live from Baltimore, MD, where bleeding is FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

-Go away, Nickelback. Give me the damned Manhattan centre theme again. No, I’m not a hipster….

-Two Kings Cole are on commentary.

-CM Punk is here to try and assuage my fears that this show will suck. The gym shorts make him look like a deadbeat dad, especially with the tattoos and Jason Lee beard. After some Baltimore-bashing (no Ray Lewis jokes?). Punk: “Wins and losses still do mean something”. BAHAHAHAHA. Oh, he was serious. Anyway, Punk declares himself #1 contender, and he demands the anonymous GM declare him correct.

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