Will Herman Cain Molest Anyone at Tonight's GOP Debate?

Boy, will this be a good debate. Eight contenders will file in to explain why everything is Obama’s fault — even things that happened before Obama was president. He’s crafty like that.

Who can you expect to see tonight?

  • Mitt Romney: Half man, half robot. He’s the right-wing version of John Kerry.
  • Herman Cain: Half pervert, half…more perverted. He’s the right-wing version of Bill Clinton, except Clinton usually sealed the deal
  • Newt Gingrich: The Republican Pillsbury Homeboy, Gingrich is that crazy professor who probably should have smoked a little more pot in college. rumour has it that, if Cain falters, Gingrich is the next in line.
  • Ron Paul: Let’s face it, the GOP will never nominate him, so he’s going to string this out and then run as a Libertarian.
  • Rick Perry: He may or may not be high for this debate. I’d keep my eye on him.
  • Jon Huntsman: The sane candidate, which is why he’s polling around two per cent.
  • Michele Bachmann: She looks every bit one would expect her to look like.
  • Rick Santorum: The only man in the GOP field I despise more than Herman Cain. Cain can’t seem to help himself, whereas Santorum is wilfully a horrible human being.

It’s the first debate since that sexual predator lecherous old man pervert really nice old dude Herman Cain got accused by several different women of sexual harassment. One of the women, Sharon Bialek, described a situation where Cain put his hand up her skirt and tried to push her head down onto his crotch — or as everyone else would call it, a felony.

She’s a Republican, by the way, so you can scratch the “she’s a Democrat trying to destroy Cain” off your argument score card. She’s also a housewife whose partner works while she takes care of the kids, so you can remove “she’s in it for the money” from the argument score card as well.

Another one of the women, Karen Kraushaar, didn’t even want to come forward. She had originally settled with Cain’s then-employer, the National Restaurant Association, 14 years ago, after what she calls a pattern of harassing and disturbing behaviour by Cain. Kraushaar is a civil servant, has a good job and a good life, and wants nothing to do with the limelight. She was outed by the media yesterday, and has decided to bring specifics and another face to the mounting evidence of sexual harassment behaviour by Herman Cain.

She’s also a Republican.

All of which brings us to the biggest questions for tonight’s 8 pm debate (eastern time, on CNBC): Who, if anyone, will Herman Cain sexually harass during the debate? My money is on one of the staffers at Oakland University. I have a friend who insists it will be Michele Bachmann. Will Mitt Romney offend the Motor City by repeating his argument that Detroit should have gone bankrupt? Will Ron Paul visit the local pawn shops and buy up all the gold? Will Rick Santorum get caught with a tranny hooker and blame it all on Satan?

Stay tuned!

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