Chinese internet giant Alibaba officially filed a billion dollar initial public offering Tuesday. You can read all about the company’s financial performance and prospects here. However, Alibaba isn’t a typical e-commerce venture. To truly understand the company, you need to peruse the vast array of incredible items available for sale on the site.
Business Insider dug deep through Alibaba’s digital shelves to identify some of the wonderful wares they have to offer.
Lifesize Obese Arnold Schwarzenegger Statue
There is some incredible art on Alibaba. One company, Zhongshan City Elephant Sculpture Art Co., Ltd., offers a wife variety of lifesize silicone wax celebrity statues. For some reason, they decided to make their rendition of Arnold Schwarzenegger obese and nude. It comes complete with a shotgun, sunglasses, and a realistic tuft of chest hair and is a bargain at $US16,800.
Zhongshan City Elephant Sculpture Art Co., Ltd. also sells uncanny renditions of other celebrities including President Barack Obama, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and this rendition of Mr. Bean that will haunt your dreams.
“lipo laser slimming machine”
Medical and surgical products are plentiful on Alibaba. This modern marvel is a laser machine that purports to be an “ultrasonic” method to “destroy the fat cells.” The description on the site explains the incredible technology behind this miracle weight loss tool:
“it creates an effect like internal Explosion,” the advertisement explains. “It means that the expansion and compression of wave produce a lot of tiny space inside the liquid. The gas and vapour exist in these tiny space. In the compression cycle, supersonic wave impose a positive pressure on liquid molecule, whereas a negative pressure will be create through the expansion cycle. There is a cohesion effect inside the liquid or biological tissues.”
“lovely used panties”
Many of the items on Alibaba are only available in mass quantities. If you want to get your hands on these “lovely used panties,” you will need to purchase 2,000 dozens of them, or 24,000 individual pieces of underwear. However, this is clearly a worthwhile deal as these are not just any used panties. The seller notes they are “Hipster” type panties that are “fashion,” “elegant,” and “professtonal.”
Iron Ore and Oil
Raw materials are another booming category on Alibaba. This area of the site shows it is truly a global marketplace. One seller offers iron ore from Mexico with a minimum order of 100,000 metric tons. You can also purchase one million barrels of Libyan crude oil.
“The man you love to hate”
If you’d like a more affordable taste of Libya, you can buy ten of these masks made in the likeness of the country’s dearly departed dictator Muammar Qaddafi. The ad boasts these masks of the “man you love to hate” feature “fez and hair attached for the most realistic look possible.”
Osama Bin Laden Gear Knob
Global villains are apparently quite popular on Alibaba. Car buffs who are also jihad are bound to go crazy for this gear knob fitting in the shape of the late Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. If Nazism is more your style, you can also purchase a minimum order of 300 of these fantastic “Hitler party” moustaches.
Paris Hilton Portrait
Alibaba isn’t all about buying in bulk. There’s plenty of original, fine art on the site including this uncanny portrait of Paris Hilton. Could there be a better way to relive the heady days of 2005? If superheroes are more your speed, the amazing artisans behind this masterwork apparently also offer portraits of comic book stars including an incredible one of Marvel’s Deadpool declaring, “My common sense is tingling.”
“Funny Games Doody Head Hats”
If Hitler party moustaches aren’t right for your special day, you might prefer these “doody head hats.” In addition to being wonderfully whimsical and fashionable, these hats allow the wearer to play a fun game. Allow the advertisement to explain:
“Stop flushing and start playing with your Doody! Just kidding, that’s disgusting but this Game isn’t. One person wears the head gear with point values and velcro on top. The other player(s) toss Velcro-responsive Doodies at the Hat-wearer,” the description on the site explains.
“Throw your Poops like chimps in a zoo but actually win something. Sound too good to be true? Well it isn’t, it’s the perfect Game for you.”
Yes, it’s perfect.
Pure Caffeine Powder
Forget coffee, along with other foodstuffs and medicinal goods, Alibaba is your source for pure, powdered caffeine. This caffeine powder is extracted from Indian coffee beans and comes in a minimum order of 25 kilos, or about 55 pounds. Be careful though! Experts say consuming about 10 grams of caffeine can kill you.
Steve Jobs Brand ‘Ear Cleaner’ Tool Set
Do you have a disgusting ear wax situation and a love for all things Apple? Then we have the ideal buy for you. This stainless steel “tool kit” contains eight items for all your ear cleaning and manicuring needs. Best of all, the packaging is branded with a photo of tech icon Steve Jobs.
Pooping Karl Lagerfeld Statue
This incredible statue of legendary fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld taking a dump combines two of Alibaba’s strengths. As you can see, many of the best stuff on Alibaba feature the likenesses of celebrities. Another area where Alibaba excels is bringing together buyers and sellers from all around the world. This pooping Lagerfeld is a caganer, a traditional Catalonian figurine depicting caricatures of famous people defecating that is, believe it or not, used to decorate nativity scenes. Without Alibaba, we never would have discovered the wonderful, magical world of caganers. In addition to the pooping Lagerfeld, sellers on Alibaba also offer caganers featuring Obama, Spongebob, and Lady Gaga unleashing loads.
Live Moldovan Leeches
Last, but certainly not leech, we were able to find live animals for sale on Alibaba. Specifically, this seller has medicinal leeches straight from Moldova. However, rest assured, Alibaba offers only the finest leeches. The advertisement notes these bloodsuckers were “grown in an automatic controlled environment.”
If you’d like to see the leeches, click here.
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