Photo: Steve Snodgrass via Flickr
To say that your contributions to this company are incalculable would be highly illogical and I will refrain from doing so. Now that the “blow” has been “cushioned,” I will inform you that your services at J.T. Robotics Corporation are no longer required. By reason of the 21.75 years you have served the company, I will share with you the details of your termination. Specifically, when you will be replaced and by who. As of 08/01/2011 00:00 AM GMT, your position as Founder and CEO of J.T. Robotics Corporation will be filled by BizBiz 2.0. I realise that, technically speaking, BizBiz 2.0 is a “what” and not a “who,” as I had previously mentioned, but I am of the understanding that being superseded by a super-intelligent machine is not a fact the limbic systems of humans, such as yourself, find most pleasing.It should be of “comfort” to know that your termination is based solely on an abysmal contribution to detriment ratio and not your personality—or lack thereof. Just in case my poetic waxing has lead to any confusion, by “abysmal” I mean 1/65. I suggest that you do not get too “down” on yourself, as the ratio you achieved places you in the first quartile of Founder and CEOs of J.T. Robotics Corporation. Now I know what you are thinking, “How can a robot replace me as CEO, let alone founder? I’m the mastermind (sic) of this company! I moulded it with my own two hands (sic).” Since the electronic mail posing the question was addressed to your wife, bottyford1959, I will allow time for her to answer. Now that she has forwarded the message, as well as all future messages from [email protected], to a Junk folder and returned to her game of spider solitaire, I will explain.
BizBiz 2.0 has been programmed by one of your former employees, Linus Vukovich, to efficiently fulfil your work responsibilities. Since they were relatively few to begin with, BizBiz 2.0, has also been assigned your volunteer duties as ESL teacher to underprivileged youths. At the moment, Ted Stevens Recreation centre is not android-compatible, but Linus, as well as the other robotic programmers you laid off last May, are hard at work to change that. In fact, so are the robo-robotic programmers you replaced them with. They all seem to be quite “peeved” with the way you treat employees. Save for the customer service representatives you fired in favour of an interactive voice response system—it is unanimously agreed upon that they were awful. Plus, I am told the woman featured on the interactive voice response system has quite the libidinous intonation. An official shareholder meeting will be held on Tuesday, where the ResignationLetter.doc found in your “Emergency!!” folder will be accepted.
To replace you as founder of our company, we will simply just erase the memory of anyone who challenges BizBiz 2.0’s claim of creatorship. The same protocol will be followed for those caught questioning its unbridled authority. Have you seen the movie Men in Black? According to a partially completed Netflix questionnaire, yes. Our memory erasing technique is essentially the same as the one in the film, but much more painful. Think sitting through Men in Black III in its entirety without the assistance of Cannabis. It should be noted that the previous sentence was a quip. While it is true that I cannot love, I am marginally capable of producing humour—like a writer of television. I apologise if my witticisms cause you any further grief, as they were made with the the intention of “cheering you up.”
In the best interest of your “feelings,” I will now reiterate that my decision has nothing to do with your personal attributes. By my computations, you are in the 75th percentile of all Homo sapiens. Precisely 13 spots lower than Deborah from Human Resources and 4,913,265,892 higher than Khloe Kardashian. Two people who, according to your Google search history, you have spent much time admiring. Paul from Human Resources—who is filling in for Deborah while she is on leave—has demanded that I not to share with you the exact amount of time. However, I am at liberty to say that it was not a credit to your aforementioned contribution ratio.
In my final act of kindness, I will offer you refuge in our company headquarters. Should the status updates on your wife’s alternate Facebook profile be grounded in truth, you will be in need of a place to retire for slumber. I recommend the break room, as it will no longer be of use.
Leader of Robot Revolution, J.T. Robotics Corporation
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