Photo: By Yelp.com on flickr
The breeze is brisk, the Starbucks cups are red, and the sidewalks of New York City are crowded body-to-body with packs of overweight tourists and kids on leashes. With football season in full swing and the winter doldrums looming large, summer days spent slamming beers at The Standard beer garden are but a distant memory.The holiday season is upon us, and while investment banking analysts across Wall Street are girding for a fiscal cliff-induced Christmas deal staffing special, a hint of holiday cheer hangs around the bullpen. That’s because around this time of year, junior investment bankers celebrate a Wall Street tradition as hallowed as the almighty 100-page Strategic Alternatives pitch. Monkeys rejoice – it’s Holiday Party season.
See if you can recognise any of these characters at your firm’s mid-December soiree:
The Craft Beer
Sam Adams Winter Ale? None of that for this guy. Craft Beer guy is probably the closest thing to a hipster banker. While everyone else is greedily slurping down Jack & Cokes and ripping tequila shots, Craft Beer guy is asking the bartender if they’ve got any Delirium Tremens in the back fridge. Craft beer guy loves drinking Belgian Trappist from a goblet, and sneers at the simple sacks who drink pale American swill. When Bud Light Guy calls him out for being an obnoxious fartsniffer, he comes back with something along the lines of “I’m drinking 8% ABV abbey ale, you are drinking hog piss.” In a way, he’s right – but who cares?
The Vodka Soda
Don’t care what season it isEver see that Ketel One commercial where all the dudes in suits are drinking vodka-rocks like it’s Johnnie Blue? That is not this guy. Hiding behind the curtain of flavorlessness is a problem binge drinker. It’s snowing outside and you go with a frosty, alcoholic Perrier. Is it because the squeeze of lime is just so refreshing on a late November evening? No. It’s because, like water, one can chug vodka soda by the gallon. One sure indication that it’s no longer summertime? People are drinking vodka soda sans straw. If you see Vodka Soda guy, give him some encouragement, then order him a double – he’s trying to catch up.
The Old Fashioned
With the exploding popularity of mixology bars, bartenders at regular-arse bars are seeing more and more of Mister Old Fashioned. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with this fantastic whiskey libation, ordering an Old Fashioned at your average open bar is like ordering seafood at a fast-food joint. You want Four Roses? You’re getting Early Times. You want seared ahi? You’re getting a f*cking Filet-O-Fish. There’s a time and a place for specialty cocktails, and unless your holiday party is at Please Don’t Tell, you should probably stick to the basics. Look out for Mister Old Fashioned bitching to the bartender about using a shaker instead of a swizzle stick.
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