If you’re feeling left out by friends with an excess of dietary requirements, fear no more. JP Sears has the solution in his new YouTube video on being ultra-spiritual, with plenty of top tips on how to become gluten intolerant.
“If you’re ready to have a ravenous appetite for impossible standards and dogmatic feelings of victimisation,” then Sears has step-by-step advice on what to do.
While coeliac disease is a serious medical condition and this is Coeliac Awareness Week, Sears points out – and plenty of chefs will tell you stories of beer-drinking “gluten intolerant” people who ask for the soy sauce – “being gluten intolerant is the hottest eating trend in the New Age community since we found out that we don’t have to eat animals”.
His spiel is hilarious for skewering dietary pedants, explaining that “being gluten intolerant is a fantastic opportunity to assert your dominance on the lives of everyone around you, which helps improve your life.”
As he explains it, the problem is that “based on medical evidence that’s yet to be discovered there’s a direct correlation between how many people are around and how gluten intolerant you are”.
He offers a range of handy tips, especially when out visiting.
“If you’re at a friend’s house and they’ve gone out of their way and think they’ve met the Da Vinci code of your gluten-free demands, they’re not trying to be friendly, they’re trying to overthrow your reign of control and dominance. You can’t let this happen.
You’ll want to play the trump card of another food intolerance you’ve never told them about before. This puts you back in the driver’s seat”,” he says.
On the serious side, Coeliac Australia says the disease affects around 1.3% of the population and around 80% of cases are undiagnosed, which the organisation estimates means 330,000 Australians don’t know they have a problem.
But if you just want a launch, watch the Sears video here:
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