I shouldn’t have to write this, but apparently I do.
Last week, a self-described “Godfather of Hipsterdom” and sometimes author/TV personality released a list of tips on bar etiquette that were so terrible that I felt obligated to respond.
#1: Can we please stop calling them hipsters and go back to calling them pu**ies?
You can read his list and my entire response here. Filled with senseless, lowbrow, intentionally provocative drivel, it includes such gems as:
- Stop ordering water.
- A bar is a ‘man zone’ so women need to dial back their fun.
- Men should not order wine.
- Stop showing bartenders pictures of your kids.
As a result, I have decided to come up with my own — a simple and succinct, updated and definitive list of rules for bar etiquette:
1. Be a regular at more than one bar.
2. Be patient. There’s no line to get drinks in your refrigerator.
3. Always tip more than you should. Tipping at a regular bar is a good investment.
#1: I say ‘keep the change’ purely for my own convenience.
4. Never ask for a ‘good pour.’ That’s asking them to give you something for free, and bartenders can and do get fired for that. If they like you, they’ll hook you up.
5. Never tip a bartender on a free round. Thank him or her and tip big on the next round or when you close out.
#1: If I only wanted one drink, I’d go for communion.
6. If you’re having more than one drink, or are with a group of people, just throw your card behind the bar. You can always settle the tab in cash at the right time.
7. Don’t get drunk on beer when you’re trying to pick up girls. (Too many trips to the bathroom.)
#1: I spent last night pouring champagne, feeding her dessert, & telling stories of my trip to Bhutan. I’ve never been to Bhutan.
8. Never take off your suit jacket. Nobody ever pictures a drunk in a suit and tie. Remove the jacket; destroy the illusion.
9. Don’t treat a bartender like he’s just some guy waiting until he finds a real job.
#1: When it doesn’t matter how much the drinks cost, it’s always Happy Hour.
10. Don’t whistle, snap, yell, or wave money. Unless you want people to think you work at Morgan Stanley.
11. If you want to buy a woman a drink, ask her permission.
12. If you are having friends, colleagues, or a partner meet you out, clear your tab before they show up. It’s not cool if they end up paying, but more importantly, it’ll make you look like the drunk that you are.
#1: If you hear me say ‘I’ll be right back’ at a party, it usually means I’m leaving.
13. If you want to put ice in your Pinot Grigio, go for it. Do what you want to do, not what people expect you to do.
14. Don’t try ordering a drink from a bar back.
15. Don’t argue about a tab. If you’re arguing, it’s probably because it’s over a material amount of money. And that means you’re probably not sober enough to argue.
Skirt #1: I can always tell a banker within the first 2 minutes of meeting him in a bar… because he tells me.
16. “When in Rome…” might be the Golden Rule. But it’s just another way of saying, “have some goddamned common sense.”
17. Don’t preemptively mention the tip. There’s no need to ever say, “I’ll take care of you tonight, ______.” (Insert: Pal, Chief, Bubba, Hon)
18. Shots generally only serve one purpose, to speed up the effects of alcohol. There’s a time and a place. And that time and place comes around less frequently after the age of 30.
#1: Blacking out is just your brain clearing its browser history.
19. Always know what you are going to order ahead of time. Have a go-to drink in your repertoire. An old fashioned, vodka martini, a common beer, or even just a house chard. Sit down, take a sip, relax, and then figure out what you really want to drink.
20. When you’re out with friends, put your damn phone away.
#1: Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
As per ‘How To Be A Man,’ you can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
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