Spoiler Alert: 'True Blood' Premiere Recap—Did Tara Survive?

true bloodBill and Eric are joined by vampire Nora in the season five opener.

Photo: HBO screenshot

Confused? You may be after watching the very bloated season five premiere of “True Blood.”New vampires, villains back from the dead, new love interests—and that’s only in the first few minutes.

While Sookie is dealing with the aftermath of Tara‘s gunshot wound, vampires Bill and Eric are on the run, new vampires are running amok— while old ones are returning from the dead—and the Shreveport werewolf pack is hunting down Sam

If things still don’t make sense, we’ve broken down the premiere for you.

If you haven’t watched it yet, read this after you do.

Steve Newlin comes out of the closet … and is in love with Jason.

Wait. What!?

Newlin didn't show up at Jason's to sink his teeth in him (well, OK, he did, but not in that sense of the word).

Newlin lays his heart on the line ... outing himself as a 'gay vampire American'; however, Jason politely declines.

Yeah, Newlin's not liking that answer.

As Jason says, that's not how love works.

Jessica returns to claim a stake in Jason.

Too bad she was faking it. She just didn't want the Reverend all over her boy toy.

Instead, Jessica's holding college parties at Bill's mansion.

With Bill gone, Jessica's living out the years she never had to herself ... by hosting karaoke drinking parties.

And, for some reason we're watching Jason get cozy with college girls rather than focusing on the many other plot lines.

Bellefleur's getting intimate with Holly.

… because we didn't see this coming.

Unfortunately, he didn't see Holly's kids coming to chase him out of the house either.

Kudos for showing Holly with smeared makeup. (We're sick of soap operas and dramas that show women's makeup as pristine and perfect the moment they wake up.)

New guy, Patrick warns Terry someone's out for his blood.

After hearing Arlene and Terry's house was burned down in a fire last season, Patrick tells Terry there have been a string of fires related to men they served alongside.

Whoa there, Patrick. Not so fast.

In response, Terry tells Patrick exactly what's on the audiences' mind: 'That fire had to do with crazy voodoo magic.'

… On second thought, Patrick's answer is starting to seem like a much better route to go. Forget last season happened. Let's re-write this storyline.

However, there's so much other stuff going on, this appears to be the last of our worries.

The wolves are after Sam.

The wolf pack finally noticed their leader Marcus has been missing for two days.

When the wolves go after Sam, he flies the coop. No, really, he morphs and flies away. Once the werewolf team catches up to him and threatens his girlfriend's life he decides to go peacefully with them, owning up to a murder he didn't commit.

Alcide gives himself up to the wolf pack.

Along comes our resident hero to throw himself to the wolves.

Things aren't looking so good for Alcide and Sam.

Oh, and he's still pining after Sookie.

He thinks Sookie may change her mind after finding out that Russell Edgington is on the loose.

However, she's still not having any of it … especially after killing his ex.

Note: In the novels, Alcide actually helps Sookie cover up the murder. We enjoyed that storyline better.

Speaking of Russell Edgington ... it looks like someone's feeding him.

Bill and Eric are captured …

We finally find out what happened from the other characters' points of view when Sookie was in danger. It was strange when neither Bill nor Eric came to her rescue (OK, maybe it wasn't that weird provided she just dumped both of them). It turns out the vampire Authority was waiting in the bushes.

... escape ...

If being burned at a stake didn't kill Bill and Eric, then getting chained up and locked in the trunk of a car isn't going to stop them either.

... with the help of Eric's ... sister!?

Piling on items that never appeared in the series (Lafayette surviving season two, Terry's major storyline, Sam Merlotte's girl, the list goes on and on). We're not surprised in the least.

She turns out to be Nora, Chancellor of the Authority, and is helping Eric and Bill escape their trail. She informs the both they'll have to leave their old lives behind. The two are even given two new identities-- Marcellus Clarke and Ike Applebom.

We suppose that's not so bad since Sookie just dumped both of them.

... and are caught again.

Aw. shucks. We were looking forward to Eric as Mr. Applebom.

Did we mention Eric and his sister are friendly?

OK. Very friendly.

Don't worry. Bill and Eric are getting bromantic, too.

Was this just us?

Sookie, Pam and Lafayette decide to turn Tara into a vampire!!! ...

When reviving Tara doesn't work, Sookie and Lafayette (selfishly) ask Pam to turn Tara into a vampire (even though Tara hates the bloodsuckers).

This will go over well. Most of the episode focuses on giving Tara the proper vampire ritual--burying her with her maker Pam and waiting 24 hours to see if she's done cooking … er changing.

… at a price: Sookie strikes a deal with Pam.

For turning Tara, Sookie makes the mistake of telling Pam, 'I'll owe you one.'

We think she's going to regret this down the line.

So, does it work?

Nope. She's dead.

Oh wait. Just kidding. She's alive.

Come on. Of course it works. You can't have Tara on the cover of Entertainment Weekly if she's not hanging around all season.

However, this may be the most exaggerated thing we've seen (since all of the bruja nonsense last season). Pam even points out half of Tara's brain was blown to bits.

Now, we wait to see whether Tara's mentally all there.

More burning questions:

Where's Jesus' body?

Speaking of bodies, where did Sookie and Lafayette dump Debbie Pelt's?

Are we going to see Arlene's creepy possessed baby again?

Where's Russell and how did he get out of an impenetrable coffin?

Still confused?

Clear things up with our guide on the season four finale >

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