The 12 Best Finance Stories From The Onion

The Onion

Photo: Flickr Dan Taylor

America’s greatest humour publication spares no target for its skewering.No surprise, then, that The Onion has a rich history of lampooning Wall Street financiers and–recently–America’s economic woes.

Some of them are laugh-out-loud funny. No wonder some think The Onion might deserve a Pulitzer. 

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'Officers from JPMorgan Chase announced Monday that they were close to finalising plans to purchase the securities giant in an incredibly complex series of financial maneuvers and obscure legal jargon that can only be described in the most mind-numbingly dense and unreadable way.'

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'Without exception, leading authorities across all relevant disciplines said that while traditional low-risk instruments such as CDs, bonds, and gold were still relatively secure investments, only the nation's beloved print media outlets could offer both the reliability and the potential for tremendous financial gain required for guaranteed peace of mind.'

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''Since eliminating federal spending for NPR, America's economic outlook is brighter than it's been in decades, with manufacturing on the rise and millions of jobs once sent overseas now returning to our shores,' said Sen. Mark Kirk (R-IL), adding that by eliminating funds for NPR, the deficit has been slashed by 0.000004 per cent and a newly thriving middle class once again has cause to believe in the American dream.'

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''That's why the economy is struggling--it's not about speculative bubbles and lax regulation, it's Indian ghosts.' 'It certainly explains why there are all these poor people everywhere--these ghosts have been screwing with capitalism, so it doesn't work like it should.''

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#5: Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank'

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'Customers who use the alternate phrase, 'financial institution,' can avoid the surcharge as well as the $0.12 transaction fee.'

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'While initial reaction has been positive, critics of the plan have pointed out that Congress has still not paid back the money it borrowed from the American public to start that silk-screen T-shirt business it was so excited about in 2004, and many were concerned that this will just be a repeat of the Bedazzling the Economy Act of 2000. '

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''We switched our equipment over to ball-production two days ago and things couldn't be going better,' said Daniel Akerson, chairman and CEO of General Motors. 'We're making 15 tons of balls a day, they're coming out nice and round, and we're just overjoyed with how much we're accomplishing. I'd completely forgotten how great it feels to make a product you're actually proud of.''

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''I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?' longtime trader Michael Palermo said. 'All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth.' 'What a cruel cosmic joke,' he added. 'I'm going home to hug my daughter.''

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