10 Headlines You Won't Read After Obama's Press Conference

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Once again, President Barack Obama will be addressing the nation live in primetime tonight, talking about the economy, of course. We already know that one message he’ll give is that “America Will Recover”. Here are 10 headlines you won’t be reading tonight:

Obama To America: Whoops! I Made Things Worse
Obama:Turns Out We Won’t Recover, Sorry
Obama To America: We’re Screwed, Really
Obama: Actually, We Forgot To Add A Zero At The End of the Debt total, But It Was Tim Geithner’s Fault
Obama: Yes, I do Hate Capitalism
Obama: All Your 401(k)s Are Going To Zero HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Obama: I Wasn’t Born In America, But I Love It Anyway!
Obama: Screw China, Hell No We We Aren’t Going To Pay Them Back
Obama: It’s A Great Time To Buy American Stocks, But Stay Hedged By Buying Long-Dated Puts!
Obama: Your Dollars Are A Joke

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