Tina Fey and Amy Poehler resumed their Golden Globes hosting duties for the second year in a row by welcoming “all of the women and gay men watching from home.”
After noting the especially star-studded crowd this year, the duo went on to mock a slew of celebrities:
- “Matt Damon, on any other night in any other room, but tonight — and don’t take this the wrong way — you’re basically a garbage person.”
- “Meryl Streep is so great in ‘August Osage County’ that she’s still proving there’s great roles for Meryl Streeps over 60.
- “Martin Scorsese is here: Bobby and Bobby and Danny say hi.”
- “Bradley Cooper is here, star of ‘American Hustle.’ Interesting trivia: the original title of that movie was ‘Explosion at the wig factory.'”
- “Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on ‘Parks and Recreation.’ I believe Amy is here tonight can we get a shot of her? She looks fantastic, hard to believe she’s a 42-year-old mother of two.”
- “Our friend Julia Louis Dreyfuss has two nominations tonight. Interestingly, Julia has chosen to sit in the film section tonight. Hi Julia, you know us from TV. Gosh, she’s really changed. She’s gross.”
- “Woody Allen is the recipient of the Cecil B. Demille award, just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it. I assume the award is for tiniest man with the biggest glasses.”
- “‘Gravity’ is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
- “One of my favourite movies this year is ‘Her,’ which takes place in the not-so-distant future, which is perfect because so does Joaquin Phoenix.”
- “Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. For his role in ‘Dallas Buyer’s Club’ he lost 45 pounds, or what actresses call being in a movie.”
- “‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ is a big film tonight. But I mean some of it was too graphic, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.”
Watch the full, funny monologue below:
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