Photo: www.flickr.com and AP
In one of the strangest anecdotes in the history of anything, Tiger Woods allegedly wanted to quit golf to become a Navy SEAL a few years ago.As a result, we now have one of the best “what if’s” in human history: What if Tiger Woods was a Navy SEAL?
Short answer: the universe as you know it would not exist.
0. Tiger joins the Navy SEALS, we’ll guess on July 4, 2007, because his coach didn’t specify a date.
1. He doesn’t play the 2008 US Open → He doesn’t tear his ACL in the 2008 US Open → He therefore doesn’t procure a high number of post-surgery painkillers → He never mixes painkillers and Ambien → He and Elin never have a blowout fight the night before Thanksgiving → He never crashes his car into a tree → His scandal never becomes a cultural obsession the likes of which we’ve never seen → Anonymous porn stars remain anonymous.
2. Ludacris never uses the lyric, “”Knock a b*tch out and fight, coming out swinging like tiger woods wife” on “My Chick Bad” ft. Nicki Minaj → The song goes unnoticed → Nicki Minaj never blows up → “Monster” by Kanye West goes unnoticed without Nicki’s sick verse → Nicki’s solo album gets some buzz but not worldwide acclaim → The little British girl who made the “Super Bass” YouTube video sings Beyonce’s “Countdown” instead → Ellen likes it but not enough to invite her on the show → That little girl never goes to Disneyland.
3. Rocco Mediate wins the 2008 US Open → Rocco Mediate strikes fear in the heart of the rest of the PGA → Nike signs Rocco Mediate to replace Brand Tiger → “Rocco’s Modern Life” ESPN headlines → Rory McIlroy gets paired with Rocco during the first round of the 2011 US Open → McIlroy cowers → Caroline Wozniacki sees him as a choke artist → Wozzilroy never happens → Wozniacki focuses on tennis and develops a hate-filled rivalry with Serena Williams → MADNESS.
4. Osama Bin Laden is still dead → in the same fashion → because there’s no way Tiger Woods could be that good of a Navy SEAL in three years → so don’t even think it.
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