This Is How To Get A Date With A Conservative

cpac hug

Photo: Grace Wyler/Business Insider

The most highly-anticipated seminar on Thursday’s CPAC schedule is definitely the Tea Party’s lesson in conservative dating.The mysterious seminar, which popped up on the schedule recently, is hosted by Wayne “Juggler” Elise, a “commercial pick-up artist” and former street performance artist.

According to Elise, conservatives have a harder time getting dates than liberals because “liberals already have a reputation for being fun — we have to be fun without smoking pot.”

So without further ado, here are the rules of conservative dating:

  • Be specific i.e. “I want a tall redhead, who is a psychologist.” According to Elise, “people tend to try to cast too much of a wide net. But they’re not memorable. When you’re not memorable, you don’t get what you want.”
  • Talk about your weaknesses. If you don’t make fun of yourself, no one will get to know you. [Sidenote: This is good news for liberals who want to date conservatives.]
  • Don’t ask leading questions.
  • If someone asks you what you do for a living, don’t fall for it. It means they are uncomfortable with the conversation, or bored. The correct response is “Do you really care or are just asking?”
  • Ask feeling questions — Instead of asking “How was CPAC?” ask “How did CPAC make you feel?” 
  • Grassroots organise while on a date — “talk to people around you and bring them in. It shows your social value.” 
  • For women specifically: Be assertive.

UPDATE: Things got really interesting in the Q&A portion of the seminar. 

Here are some of the highlights:

Q: What is the best place is to take a conservative on a date? Someone in the audience volunteers: “The Gun Club.”

Q: [From Huffington Post reporter Sam Stein] How does sex complicate things? Answer from Elise: “I think it’s good to be sexual earlier.”

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