These Vintage Cell Phone Ads Will Make You Even More Grateful For The iPhone 5

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Photo: YouTube/VintageFilmTrailers

While restlessly waiting for our iPhone 5s, we decided that it was an appropriate time to pay tribute to cell phones past.The year before Steve Jobs returned to Apple in 1985, when the beloved iPhone wasn’t but a twinkle in his eye, Motorola released the first cell phone ever. “The brick” — technically known as the DynaTAC 8000X — weighed 2 pounds and cost $3,995.

If you think that’s insane, you should just check out its ads.

In honour of the sleek, lightweight, and nimble iPhone 5, here is a hilarious collection of 11 of the clunkiest vintage cell phones ever created.

1. 1983 marked the launch of the 30 oz, $3,995 Motorola DynaTAC 800x.

The hilarious ad below warns viewers that, 'eventually seeing people using cellular phones may seem as commonplace as someone checking time on an electronic watch.' Crazy!

Unfortunately the DynaTAC only provided half an hour of talk for eight hours of standby.

2. Radio Shack released this hilarious spot for a $799 phone in 1989.

Ad Age did the maths, and the $799 portable phone would be worth $1,385.71 today.

Don't let the upbeat jingle fool you--the phone itself will definitely weigh you down.

The electronics store was obsessed with showing goofy older men bringing their phones to the golf course, lunch, or on their boat. If the seas get rough, it could serve as an anchor.

Watch the spot below:

4. Nokia unveiled the Talkman in 1984.

The clunker weighed almost 10 pounds and gave one hour of talk time to 10 hours of standby.

According to the ad below, the phone company marketed the clunky device to the yuppie jerk demographic.

5. In fact, most of Nokia's old ads aimed to appeal to jerks.

This one showed a mobile phone-less man getting stood up by a date. Devastated, he throws his brand new bouquet of roses on the ground.

Seizing the moment, a sleazy dude with a mobile next to him scoops up the flowers and goes through his phone's list of numbers. (It probably couldn't store more than 30).

6. The 1987 Nokia Cityman weighed two pounds and cost almost $6,000 (24,000 Finnish Markka).

7. Eventually Nokia's prices lowered.

This phone was on sale at Highlands Superstore for a mere $595 later in the '80s.

But if you listen to the ad's advice, 'You can impress your friends by telling them it cost a lot more.'

Embrace yuppie culture and see the ad below:

8. This $1499 cell phone is easy to use—even on your boat!

Radio Shack also put out an ad for this beauty in a 1987 issue of Popular Mechanics.

9. Even General Electric got into the cell phone game in 1989.

Costing only $397, which is less than a new iPhone, the ad boasts that the phone has a 30-number memory, adjustable volume, and last number recall!

The 'lightweight' phone even comes with its own antenna. Carry pouch not included.

The only tragedy is that GE doesn't still have a thriving cell phone business.

10. Before everyone had a mobile phone...

...Beepers ruled supreme.

Here's an ad starring Leonard Nimoy (Spock) shilling a Dial-Page.

11. But Centel's 1989 spot might be our favourite one yet...

Maybe it's the background music, maybe it's the fact that a man gets trapped in a field surrounded by sheep (yes, really), but we're sold.

Now get back to the present with these digital ads.

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