The Military Is Preparing For Zombocalypse: So Should You

Zombie Survival Tips

Photo: via Flickr

A recent report out of the Marine Times diagrams how a company named HALO Corp. decided to include a Zombie Apocalypse portion in their yearly Counterterrorism Brief next month.In attendance at the brief are 1,000 military personnel, police officials, medical experts and federal workers—who apparently find zombie preparedness pertinent to national security. Well, more accurately, they think that practice for a “zombie outbreak” type of viral scenario is important to national security.

Last year, the centre for Disease Control released a survival guide of sorts and now they even plan produce a graphic zombie “novella.”

(All the talk from the CDC even prompted a certain Business Insider reporter’s mum to call in the middle of the night, wondering if that reporter would come home and help in the event of a zombie outbreak.)

If the military and government are preparing for this unlikely scenario, then you should too. As a former Marine, survivalist, and zombie enthusiast, allow me to share some advice.

1. No one is coming to save you, so don't wait

The first thing the government is going to do is either: A, lie to you; or B, leave you hanging.

Don't expect them, or anyone for that matter to come and save you. No one is coming, so you better be going. Grab whatever food you can fit into a pack and a few handy weapons, and get out, especially if you're in a densely populated area.

2. Fight like an animal

There's no room for namby pamby paddy cake when it comes to zoms. If confronted, and you will be confronted, you have to fight like a cold blooded killer. Like an animal.

It's about survival, and there's no way to be 'civil' when a zombie is involved. Attack like a cornered rat.

3. Crowbars and melee weapons are a sure thing

All you need to do to defend yourself is to attack the head. Bludgeoning tools are perfect for this type of attack. Of these, a decent sized crowbar, one bigger than is in this picture preferably, will last you the longest.

A baseball bat works, but the aluminium will wear out quick. The iron in the crowbar is tough as nails though.

You could also opt for a blade though, because ...

4. Samurai swords are the best

Swords give you a decent reach, and they're the most durable, so they'll last you the longest.

And of course, 'Blades don't need reloading:' The famous line from Max Brooks' 'Zombie Survival Guide' is oh so true. Shooting weapons require ammunition and ammunition will be scarce. A blade, on the other hand, only needs a whetstone for sharpening.

5. Shooting weapons are for hunting, not killing zombies

Ignore the movies. You are not an ace shot. You are a civilian who might have stumbled on to a hand gun and some rounds.

But it's incredibly easy to miss, and even easier to miss the head. If you have shooting weapons, save the ammo for hunting game.

On the other hand ...

6. A good shotgun will save your life

Easy to load, easy to aim, and it has stopping power.

Undoubtedly the shotgun is for buying yourself time, so that you can find a way out and away from hordes of flesh-eating former humans. Plus, with buckshot, you can pretty much just point it in a general direction, pull the trigger, and hit everything.

7. Don't be afraid to kill

This happens all the time with people caught up in life or death situations in which they didn't expect to be: they're too afraid to kill, and so they end up dying.

This is kind of like fighting like an animal, but different in that it's about finishing the job. Undoubtedly though, the ones who live the longest during a zombie outbreak are those who were unafraid to kill.

8. Pay attention

Look at this guy: too busy laughing to notice the ghoul right behind him.

You should be on high alert all the time. Zombies aren't big on loud conversation, and they sort of amble around slowly, so unless you're paying attention, you won't hear them coming.

9. Know the signs of infection

One of your party is bitten? Well, that person will undoubtedly become a zombie and try to kill all of you. So you should know the signs of infection.

Someone suddenly caught the flu? Well you better check them for bites or scratches, the two main means of contracting a zombie virus.

10. Wear long sleeves, gloves, and a mask

Especially when battling the vile hordes.

Most bites occur on arms or hands, and even a little bit of blood spatter in your eye might transfer the virus. So cover yourself up--wear long sleeves, preferably something tough, like a jean jacket.

I know we're not in the 80s anymore, but a jean jacket will save your life.

11. Work as a team

Invariably we'll all break into small groups.

Those groups have to work as a team to survive. Keeping a watch while the others are sleeping; helping you climb; watching your back. Another set of eyes is invaluable.

12. Don't go anywhere alone

Now's not the time for exploration.

Stick with the group, even if you're suddenly curious and feel compelled to walk into that dark basement. The group will keep you alive.

13. Stay out of populated areas

If you're in it, get out of the city.

Two reasons--there's plenty of humans there who will soon be zombies, and the humans who aren't zombies will be fighting over resources in no time.

Best bet to avoid.

14. The living are more dangerous than the dead

Zombies are predictable and stupid. But people are selfish and crafty.

I know you think your church congregation is comprised of nice, moral people, but deny them the basic necessities of life, and they'll turn into a horde as ravenous as the living dead.

Stay away from large groups of humans.

15. Babies and the elderly are tough to care for

In a post apocalyptic scene, where sounds can get you killed and speed is of the essence, is unfortunately not the place for babies and geriatrics.

Babies are loud, old people can be slow, and both are hard to care for. I'm not saying don't be human, just don't go looking to collect any that aren't in your family.

16. Gas is for fire, not cars

Any fuel you have should be saved for building fires, or burning zombies, but not for driving cars.

If you are in a car, drive it to the nearest sparsely populated area and park it. Highways and roads are certain to have some amount of the undead prowling.

17. Dig ditches and trenches, as zombies can't climb.

You know that tree house you built for your kid? Well, it's going to save your life. Attach a couple ziplines to it, for exit options, then dig trenches.

Zombies can't climb anything but stairs. Also, they can't get out of holes, and they're too dumb to avoid them. Either dot your yard with them, or surround your house with a trench.

18. Take care of your feet

Guess what? The family doctor is probably dead. Oh, and the pharmacy is in the middle of town, and has probably been raided already.

Take care of your feet. A case of trench foot will kill you in two ways, either zombies will catch up with you, or you'll succumb to bacterial infection.

19. Stay quiet

It's a proven fact that zombies can still hear, so be quiet.

A loud noise can draw hordes from miles away. You don't need to be a ninja, but avoid big, creaking metal doors.

20. Always have an exit strategy

This is why you want more than one rope or zip line coming from your tree house. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself trapped, there's only two ways out--fighting or dying.

You should always have the option of fleeing, it will keep you among the living.

21. Stay sober

The only advantage here is that you may be so drunk, the zombies think you are one of them.

Stay sober, it takes a sharp mind to stay alive. Also, it dehydrates you, and water is key.

22. Stay near water

Water is the most important resource, moreso than food, because in most places food can be foraged or hunted.

It doesn't need to be a lake or river, but you do need to have a source. Dehydration will kill you faster than the zombie virus.

23. Don't be paranoid, be ready

Put away that tinfoil hat.

There will be no zombie virus. These government briefs are about readiness, especially in terms of an epidemic, whether it be a viral epidemic, or an epidemic of power outages, things can get hairy real quick.

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