The 15 Funniest Patents Ever Issued

thong diaper

Photo: Thong diaper via Google Patents

There are so many absurd business ideas out there, it’s no wonder most startups fail.Thankfully, some of the craziest concepts never get past the ideation stage. According to the US Patent and Trademark Office, only 3,000 ideas out of every 1,500,000 are commercially viable.

Google Patents makes it easy to search for everything the USPTO grants, and some of the approved prototypes – like thong diapers and glasses that pierce to your face — are hysterical.

We sifted through the records to find 15 of the most absurd patents ever issued.

The thong diaper

Who patented it: Mary Maalouf

When: May 2007

Where can I get one?: It's not available in stores, though SNL did a hilarious skit about it.

Flush dog poop with an outdoor pet potty that hooks up to your sewer system

Who patented it: Kenneth Brown

When: December 1974

Where can I get one?: There are a ton of variations out there, but the Powerloo is especially popular.

What's a powerloo, you ask? 'The Powerloo is an outdoor toilet for disposing of solid dog waste,' says the website. 'It is modelled after human-use toilets and delivers a powerful flush to propel waste into the existing sewer or septic system of your home.'

Glasses that are pierced to your face. You'll never misplace them again.

Who patented it: John Rose

When: May 2003

Where can I get one?: Contact James Sooy and Oliver Gibson to try out Pierced Glasses.

This kissing shield is part of a game that teaches kids how to ward off STDs and cooties.

Who patented it: Deloris Wood

When: September 2004

Where can I get one?: So far, neither the game nor the kissing shield are available in stores.

Nicotine-infused coffee can give you multiple addictions.

Who patented it: Stephen Fortune Jr.

When: June 2004

Where can I get one?: You can't yet, but coffee-flavored electronic cigarettes are almost as good.

Edible business cards. Pretty counter-intuitive if you're trying to get people to save your info.

Who patented it: Leonid Kofman

When: August 2004

Where can I get one?: Kofman's company, Chocolography, makes edible business cards, pictures and CDs.

Airport security, beware: this applicator allows you to insert anything into any body cavity.

Who patented it: Ronald Shippert

When: September 2004

Where can I get one?: A suppository inserter is the closest thing on the market.

A living Magic 8 ball. Plant a seed in this special pot, ask it a yes-or-no question and, depending on which hole the plant grows through, you'll have an answer.

Who patented it: Richard Bruce Bernardi II

When: October 2004

Where can I get one?: This is actually a fun idea, so it's sad to see it's still not available in stores.

No friends on the playground? That's ok, you only need one person to work this seesaw.

Who patented it: Dale and Michael Boudreaux

When: May 2005

Where can I get one?: You can't yet. For solo playground fun, try a pogo stick.

The rock, paper, scissors card game for people too lazy to use their hands

Who patented it: Robert Simmons, Jr.

When: January 2005

Where can I get one?: Made by Jax, you can purchase the game on Amazon.

A funnel that helps women urinate accurately on the go. Too bad it doesn't come with a bottle.

Who patented it: Marvin Ivie (did you really think it would be a woman?)

When: March 1995

Where can I get one?: Uri-mate makes a disposable version of the product.

A giant pyramid-shaped tomb. That's right: someone patented one of the seven world wonders.

Who patented it: Daniel Dudek and Pamela Heard

When: October 2004

Where can I get one?: Last April, Nicholas Cage had a 9-foot pyramid tomb built for when he dies. Other than that, try Egypt.

If you wear these magnetic rings every night, the inventor claims you'll never die.

Who patented it: Alex Chiu

When: November 1999.

Where can I get one?: The inventor's personal website. For $28 plus shipping, you can be young forever. Sounds crazy, but here's how Chiu claims it works:

'Devices consist of rare earth or ceramic magnets and plastic braces which hold magnets onto the fingers of the user. The fingers and toes are the negative (-) and positive (+) terminals of your body. When placing the magnetic devices, the magnetic pole on the right side of the human body is opposite to the left side.

'With an opposite pole on each side of the human body, blood circulation and electric current of the body are enhanced. The enhanced blood circulation and electric current increase metabolism in order to fight the ageing process.'

A vending machine for Kimchi. Finally, you can have korean cabbage on the go.

Who patented it: Suk-Ho Shin

When: August 2004

Where can I get one?: Made by A-Mecs, the I365 Kimchi is available online.

Meat-flavored booze made from real animal extract.

Who patented it: Kineo Okada.

When: October 2006.

Where can I get it?: Okada's company, Ariake Japan, has yet to introduce the product.

Fortunately, bacon-flavored vodka is already available.

Check out more hilarious product ideas:

NOW WATCH: Ideas videos

Business Insider Emails & Alerts

Site highlights each day to your inbox.

Follow Business Insider Australia on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Instagram.