The 14 Best Finance Stories The Onion Has Ever Run

The Onion

Photo: Flickr Dan Taylor

When America wants to laugh at itself, there’s not better place to turn than The Onion.And if you think about it, humour is really one of the few healthy ways to deal with our current global financial circumstance.

That’s why you’ll find some great Wall Street/financial stories in the pages of this hilarious publication

No wonder some think The Onion might deserve a Pulitzer. 

Former Business Insider intern Alex Howe also contributed to this piece.

#14 European Debt Crisis Solutions

There's a range of suggestions, here are some of our favourites:

  • Austria: $5 surcharge every time anyone in the world watches The Sound Of Music
  • Finland: Increasing one of those European-sounding taxes, like the GATT, or the VAT, or the SCRAT, or whatever
  • Italy: Suspending all sewage and trash pickup services, effective 1993
  • Portugal: Quietly breaking away from Spain in the middle of the night and floating across the Atlantic in search of a better life.

#13 Goldman Sachs Hires Single Morally Decent Human Being To Work In Separate, Enclosed Cubicle

Just when Lloyd Blankfein starts trying to show a softer side, this story comes out. An excerpt:

Seeking to mollify critics over its role in the global financial crisis, Goldman Sachs announced Friday the hiring of junior analyst Greg Kohler, who executives said is the investment bank's first and only employee to possess a clear set of morals or a basic understanding of right and wrong...

'While Mr. Kohler won't be attending a single meeting or influencing any of our business decisions, we're confident his acute sense of professional integrity will prove a valuable asset,' Siewert continued..

....Kohler will report to a vice president of private wealth management who will be barred from communicating with him in person, by phone, or over e-mail in the event Kohler accidentally hears about, and thus has to report, any instances of duplicitous behaviour.

Highlight:

'Officers from JPMorgan Chase announced Monday that they were close to finalising plans to purchase the securities giant in an incredibly complex series of financial maneuvers and obscure legal jargon that can only be described in the most mind-numbingly dense and unreadable way.'

Full story

Highlight:

'Without exception, leading authorities across all relevant disciplines said that while traditional low-risk instruments such as CDs, bonds, and gold were still relatively secure investments, only the nation's beloved print media outlets could offer both the reliability and the potential for tremendous financial gain required for guaranteed peace of mind.'

Full story

Highlight:

''Since eliminating federal spending for NPR, America's economic outlook is brighter than it's been in decades, with manufacturing on the rise and millions of jobs once sent overseas now returning to our shores,' said Sen. Mark Kirk (R-IL), adding that by eliminating funds for NPR, the deficit has been slashed by 0.000004 per cent and a newly thriving middle class once again has cause to believe in the American dream.'

Full story

Highlight:

''That's why the economy is struggling--it's not about speculative bubbles and lax regulation, it's Indian ghosts.' 'It certainly explains why there are all these poor people everywhere--these ghosts have been screwing with capitalism, so it doesn't work like it should.''

Full story

#5: Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank'

Highlight:

'Customers who use the alternate phrase, 'financial institution,' can avoid the surcharge as well as the $0.12 transaction fee.'

Full story

Highlight:

'While initial reaction has been positive, critics of the plan have pointed out that Congress has still not paid back the money it borrowed from the American public to start that silk-screen T-shirt business it was so excited about in 2004, and many were concerned that this will just be a repeat of the Bedazzling the Economy Act of 2000. '

Full story

Highlight:

''We switched our equipment over to ball-production two days ago and things couldn't be going better,' said Daniel Akerson, chairman and CEO of General Motors. 'We're making 15 tons of balls a day, they're coming out nice and round, and we're just overjoyed with how much we're accomplishing. I'd completely forgotten how great it feels to make a product you're actually proud of.''

Full story

Highlight:

''I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?' longtime trader Michael Palermo said. 'All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth.' 'What a cruel cosmic joke,' he added. 'I'm going home to hug my daughter.''

Full story

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