Photo: Dan Lyons
Q: What do you get when you mix overweening self-regard with extreme self-pity and a total lack of self-awareness?
Oh, how these guys have been victimized! Oh, how brilliant they are, how much better than everyone else, and how nobly they suffer for their art and for freedom of expression! Oh, how they mock their tormentors, and laugh even as they are scourged and whipped and hung to die on the cross of corporate greed! Oh, the wringing of hands! The gnashing of teeth! The backstabbing and betrayal! The secret deals and corporate scheming! The lust for power! Oh, how they keep on moaning about their plight, not realising that we’re not laughing with them, we’re laughing at them.
First, Paul Carr (above, at left) posts an article in which he quits in a huff, vowing to take his revenge on Arianna Huffington by depriving her of his pointless once-a-week columns. Then Erick Schonfeld (above right) accepts the resignation but calls Paul Carr some names and tells him to get stuffed. Then M.G. Siegler (above, middle, blue hair) has a huff of his own on his personal blog. So much huffing! Everyone’s in a snit!
Paul Carr (aka Shakes) has no idea what he’ll do next, but he just don’t give a shite cause that’s how he rolls! M.G. can’t understand why the people who run AOL have not reached out to him during all this, though, as he puts it, with the bad-arse “swagger” for which TechCrunch is known, “I’m not losing any sleep over it.” Obviously not, right? I mean obviously he hasn’t given it a second thought about why AOL hasn’t called him, which is why he’s writing about it.
Anyway it’s probably just as well that AOL didn’t call M.G. because those backstabbing stiffs and corporate mofos at AOL sure as hell could not handle the truth that M.G. would be firing down the line at them, all loud and upper case and shit, just bam-bam-bam oh-no-you-di’n’t-oh-yes-I-did. Or maybe M.G. wouldn’t even pick up that call at all. He’d see “Tim Armstrong” in the caller ID on his swagger-arse iPhone 4 and just say, Fuck it, that corporate motherfucker can go through to voice mail and kiss my white arse on the way. Because really — think about it. Why would a bad-arse renegade writer of the Truth even pick up the phone and say hello to some suit from AOL who doesn’t know jack shit about being a bad-arse swaggering tech journalist, amiright?
How’s it feel to be ignored, Arianna? Because you know what? You suck. Yeah, that’s right. I just said that. I just wrote that. On a blog. On TechCrunch. The blog you own. And I wrote it about you. And there ain’t nothing you can do about it because it’s out there. The whole world is gonna read it now and they will all know exactly what I think about you. That’s right! This is my barbaric yawp that tears the friggin scalp right off your entire bullshit capitalism system which I despise in a kind of techno-beat-poet style even as I make a living off it. Wallow in the irony of that if you can even wrap your tiny mind around my reality, OK? All that is what I’m saying to you when I don’t pick up your phone call, Arianna. And you can just read between the lines and feel the pain of my implied blow-off, rich lady who bought my Web site and wants to ruin it.
M.G. also reassures his readers that “no matter what happens,” he’ll be fine. Maybe so, but the worlds of technology and journalism will never be the same! How fitting it is for this band of courageous hacks to go out in a blaze of glory. Burn with fury, oh poets of the Valley! Rage against the dying of the light! Long after you are gone the world will remember that once — yes, once, in a different time — there lived men like you, brave giants who strode the earth with swagger and fuck-you attitude, who feared not the wrath of their corporate overlords, who turned defiant faces upward and bit — yes, bit, with sharpened teeth — the hand that fed them, who stood loyal beside their King and Leader and refused to break ranks when surrounded by the enemy, vowing instead to fight to their last breath.
This — yes, this! This glory, this wonder! This was Camelot! This, my friends, was TechCrunch.
This post was first published at Real Dan Lyons, which is written by Dan Lyons (a.k.a., Fake Steve Jobs).
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