What you need to know on Wall Street today

Jamie Dimon
amie Dimon, Chairman and CEO of JPMorgan Chase & Co., speaks at the Economic Club of Washington September 12, 2016 in Washington, DC. Getty/Win McNamee

Welcome to Finance Insider, Business Insider’s summary of the top stories of the past 24 hours.
Happy Friday!

JPMorgan kicked off bank earnings season this morning, beating estimates with commercial banking and asset and wealth management posting record profits. Fixed income trading dropped sharply, as expected, but CEO Jamie Dimon wasn’t too fussed.

“Who cares about fixed-income trading in the last two weeks in June?” he said. “I mean seriously?”

Dimon went on to say Dimon things, sounding the alarm on the political gridlock in the US, telling Wall Street analysts that it was “almost an embarrassment being an American citizen travelling around the world and listening to this stupid s— we have to deal with.”

In related news, the post-election surge in consumer confidence has fully reversed, according to one survey.

Citigroup also beat, with a strong showing in fixed income, while Wells Fargo beat on earnings but missed on revenues. The results somewhat surprisingly sent back stocks tumbling, with traders finding themselves on the wrong side of the move. Still, BlackRock chief equity strategist Kate Moore is bullish on financials.

Vanguard, the $US4.4 trillion investing giant, just named a new CEO. As a reminder, investors poured $US277 billion into Vanguard funds last year — 54% of all new money put into equity funds. Wow.

The stock market has changed, and investors are going to have to sharpen their wits, according to the head of a $US12.6 billion hedge fund. In related news, stock pickers are making a big comeback. And a massive hedge fund that shut itself to outsiders is crushing it.

Stash, a startup that allows users to investing in the stock market with just $US5, is
now valued at $US240 million.

In banking news, one of Goldman Sachs’ most senior executives moonlights as a DJ in Miami. And UBS is trying to bring automation and artificial intelligence to the trading floor at its investment bank.

Furious customers are accusing Wall Street’s favourite shirt startup of failing to deliver on its promises.

If you’re into cryptocurrencies:

In company news, Nordstrom’s website crashed on one of the retailer’s biggest shopping days of the year. AT&T is planning a major organizational reshuffle. A Democratic lawmaker is taking aim at Amazon’s plan to buy Whole Foods.

And it keeps getting worse for Snap. The stock is sliding again after another downgrade, and chief rival Instagram is turning the screws by handing advertisers free trials and credits.

How’s this for an intro:

On the 100th floor of the most expensive residential building ever planned in New York City, 126 captains of the universe can waltz in the grand ballroom and gaze down upon Central Park.

A staggering 20 of the 179 condominiums at the building will be priced at $US60 million or above. Here’s the story. By way of comparison, you can buy your very own private island in Maine for $US8 million.