Seriously, Charlie Sheen: NO ONE Wants Your Life

In the interview segments I’ve seen with Charlie Sheen over the past couple days, he seems to like repeating the strange narrative that goes like so:

a) He’s addicted to nothing, except for being Charlie Sheen, which is extraordinary, and winning at life…

b) The real problem here is not addiction, but a jealous public (“the losers,” as he affectionately calls us) who desperately want to trade in our pathetic, couch-bound lives and pockmarked wives or girlfriends for his life of incoherent media blitzes and long nights with the gold-digging “goddesses.”

Look, I have no problem with arrogance or eccentricity — you make more in a single afternoon at the CBS soundstage than I’ll probably make in a lifetime, and that’s cool, but Ima take issue with you assuming every American male wants your life.

If those two embryonic Ashley Dupre aspirants are “goddesses,” perhaps it’s time for a new religion.

And really, no one is out to get you. Get some sleep. Call a good publicist. Send Chuck Lorre flowers — a lot of flowers. Do The View — don’t invite Alex Jones on with you. In fact, stay away from Alex Jones altogether… his show is what started this PR hell for you.

In six months’ time, I hope you’ll be cast in Drive Angry 2: Angrier Than Ever as Nicholas Cage’s co-star. Oh, you know some studio is already counting down the days until the sequel!

Because that’d be so transcendentally awesome that all of us envious losers in flyover country will again actually want to be you. And all will be forgiven, Charlie Sheen.

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