A fork is the right tool for eating pizza

Because this news cycle apparently isn’t dumb enough, we’re having another round of shock and outrage because a politician (this time, John Kasich) ate pizza with a fork.

For some reason, a lot of you are very emotionally invested in the idea that pizza should not be eaten with utensils. When I made a pro-fork argument on Twitter, I was called a “psychopath” and sworn at.

Whatever. The haters are wrong; John Kasich, like me, is right.

Using a fork and knife is the best way to eat a slice of pizza. It’s neater. Assuming the pizza is served at a proper, hot temperature, it avoids situations where you burn your mouth or get melty cheese on your face.

A fork and a knife allow pizza to be a meal that is simultaneously dignified and delicious. As David Frum says, eating pizza with a knife and a fork is civilisation.

I know what some of you are going to say: You’re an adult, you should be able to put pizza in your face with your bare hands without missing. At least, I think that’s what you’re saying, but I can barely pay attention to your words because I’m distracted by your greasy, tomato sauce-covered faces.

A knife and fork are especially appropriate when you’re eating pizza on the campaign trail. Try to put yourself in John Kasich’s shoes. After he ate that slice of pizza, he was going to have to go around and meet lots of people and shake hands. Maybe he thought eating with a fork would reduce the odds he would get tomato sauce on his suit, which he probably has to wear on television later. Maybe the pizza was hot and he didn’t want to burn himself. Maybe he was concerned that, if he used his hands, some photographer might snap an undignified photo of him stuffing food into his mouth.

John Kasich pizzaBryan Thomas/Getty ImagesJohn Kasich eats pizza.

Midway through the slice, he changed his mind, and started eating with his hands. Maybe he decided the slice had gotten less unwieldy as it got smaller. Maybe he wanted to signal that he’s a moderate on all issues, including pizza eating methodology. Or maybe he was caving to social pressure, remembering what happened to New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio when he dared to eat his pizza the way he liked.

No matter.

How Kasich eats his pizza is his business, just as how you eat your pizza is your business. He is fully entitled to flip-flop on the issue mid-slice.

And it’s fine if you don’t want to use a knife and fork. Maybe you’re too lazy for utensils. Maybe you feel eating pizza with your hands is “more authentic,” even though that’s not how they do it in Italy. Maybe you don’t mind getting tomato sauce on your face. Whatever. You do you, stuff as much hand-pizza in your face as you want. That’s none of my business.

Meanwhile, I’ll use a fork. Like an adult.

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