As far as I can tell, there’s nothing better in sports than listening to a player mic’d up. NFL.com’s Sound FX is sheer bliss. Search “NBA players mic’d up on Youtube and before you know it it’s 2:30 in the morning.
Whenever the TV broadcast gives me a 30-second segment of a mic’d up player, that player becomes my newest favourite player, I start imagining all the things we’d talk about if we ever got to hang out, and I wish more than anything that I could listen to him for the whole game.
And this is true for players I hate, too! Here’s video of a mic’d up Chandler Jones , from last week’s Pats game against Washington. I hate the Patriots with all my heart, and after watching this I’d absolutely have Jones in my wedding.
So here’s an idea: the NFL should create a separate, pay-per-view channel that let’s you listen to at least one player fully mic’d up for the entirety of a game, completely uncensored. Just imagine: instead of listening to Phil Simms and Cris Collinsworth yuck it up about how much of a genius Bill Belichick is, you could listen to Gronk talk trash to Darrelle Revis! There isn’t an NFL player I wouldn’t listen to mic’d up. Even Kai Forbath!
Imagine how many of your longstanding questions about the NFL would be answered: does anyone actually know their kicker’s name? What exactly did Greg Hardy say to that special team’s coach? What sort of random, mundane stuff do the second and third string quarterbacks talk about to each other all game long? I would pay at least twice what I currently pay for NFL RedZone for this channel.
I know, the logistics of this channel are — admittedly — not perfect, and it pretty obviously presents a PR nightmare for the NFL or NBA or whoever. But so what! We live in the golden age of technology, folks. If we can order Domino’s on Twitter, we can get the Mic’d Up Channel for the 2016 season.
[Last week: 7-6]
Buffalo Bills (+2.5) @ New York Jets
Grotesquely colourful uniforms aside, I can’t wait for this one.
The pick: Bills +2.5
Detroit Lions (+11.5) @ Green Bay Packers
R-E-L-A-X, Packers fans.
The pick: Packers -11.5
Dallas Cowboys (+1.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Cowboys haven’t won a single game since Greg Hardy came back from suspension!
The pick: Cowboys +1.5
Carolina Panthers (-5.5) @ Tennessee Titans
Lock of the week!
The pick: Panthers -5.5
Chicago Bears (+7) @ St. Louis Rams
Here’s a hypothetical: if Kirk Cousins and Nick Foles switched teams and started in place of one another, would anyone be able to tell?
The pick: Bears +7
New Orleans Saints (-1) @ Washington Redskins
It’s a wonder that Rob Ryan remains employed every season when his defences are consistently atrocious.
The pick: Saints -1
Miami Dolphins (+6.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles
Don’t look now, but the Eagles are in great shape to take over first place in the NFC East. Their next three games: Dolphins, Bucs, Lions. The Giants next three games? Patriots, Redskins, Jets. Congrats in advance, Eagles fans!
The pick: Eagles -6.5
Cleveland Browns (+4.5) @ Pittsburgh Steelers
I can’t for the life of me understand why the Browns don’t at least give Johnny Manziel a shot. They’re 2-7, their playoff chances are all but gone, and instead they’re riding with 36-year-old Josh McCown! Why? Of course Manziel isn’t fully ready, but the only way he’s going to get there is if he plays! What was the point of drafting him so high if he’s never going to get a legitimate shot? Are the Browns going to draft another quarterback this year? This franchise is a joke.
The pick: Browns +4.5
Jacksonville Jaguars (+5.5) @ Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens have won or lost every game this season by less than a touchdown.
The pick: Jaguars +5.5
Minnesota Vikings (+3) @ Oakland Raiders
It turns out that despite Derek Carr’s extremely unnerving facial hair, the guy is pretty good at quarterback!
The pick: Raiders -3
Kansas City Chiefs (+6) @ Denver Broncos
The Broncos will miss Aqib Talib and DeMarcus Ware in this one.
The pick: Chiefs +6
New England Patriots (-7) @ New York Giants
This feels like a blowout. Congratulations in advance to the New England Patriots on a 19-0 finish, and congrats especially to Tom Brady on his fifth Super Bowl ring!
The pick: Patriots -7
Arizona Cardinals (+3) @ Seattle Seahawks
Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images
Seattle’s chances of winning the division basically go up in flames if they lose this one. This feels like a three-point game, but I’ll take the home team.
The pick: Seahawks -3
Houston Texans (+10.5) @ Cincinnati Bengals
Shout out to the Texans, who have the worst quarterback situation in football and might still make the playoffs.
The pick: Bengals -10.5
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