GQ magazine has just announced their list of “The Least Influential People of 2012” — “a collection of people so uninspiring that we should round them all up and stick them on an iceberg.”While some, like Hulk Hogan (#24), may be obvious picks, others such as Michelle Obama’s exile to the iceberg came as a bit of a surprise.
Below are GQ’s top 15 picks, along with an explanatory line of their biting commentary:
15. Bobby Valentine: “a man whose greatest accomplishment in baseball remains wearing a fake-mustache disguise to sneak back into the dugout after getting ejected from a game.”
14. Billy Crystal: “It’s a measure of how irrelevant the Oscars have become that Eddie Murphy could back out of the gig and producers thought that bringing in an even more washed-up comic would somehow rejuvenate the ceremony.”
13. Lance Armstrong: “It’s like peeling back the layers of an onion that’s nestled inside an a–hole.”
12. Keith Olbermann: “There was only one bridge left for Olbermann to burn this year, and when it was time for him to alienate himself from Current TV, he did it in classic Olbermann fashion.”
11. Guy Fieri: “This year the white-trash fusion chef opened his flagship Manhattan restaurant.”
10. Jerry Sandusky’s Lawyer: “I know! I’ll have my client go on national TV prior to his trial to be grilled by Bob Costas so we can all witness him declare, ‘I enjoy young people.”
9. Gregg Williams: “The disgraced former NFL defensive coordinator—the man who pioneered the New Orleans Saints’ bounty program—is the rare person stupid enough to deserve being scapegoated.”
8. Ryan Lochte: “The individual-medley-of-douchiness world record was shattered this year by Lochte, the U.S. swimmer who managed to increase the Ashton Kutcher-ness of the London Games by 80 per cent.”
7. Michelle Obama: “She even wrote a book about growing her own vegetables, which many people bought as a passive-aggressive way of telling someone they’re fat.”
6. George Zimmerman: “…there is something morbidly comedic about a man deluding himself into thinking that his life is in danger because a black teenager walking by might assault him with a bag of Skittles.”
5. Gotye: “You make Alanis Morissette sound like Slayer. You are rock’s genocide.”
4. Dwight Howard: “In a just world, Dwight Howard will hurt his knee and doctors will take seventeen months to make a proper diagnosis.”
3. Madonna: “That cheerleading outfit isn’t making you look any younger, Madge.”
2. Amanda Bynes: “Bynes spent all of 2012 avoiding acting gigs and trying desperately to run over your dog.”
1. Mitt Romney: “The only successful thing he did this year was embody every black stand-up comedian’s impression of a white person.”
The only successful thing he did this year was embody every black stand-up comedian’s impression of a white person.
Business Insider Emails & Alerts
Site highlights each day to your inbox.