Word’s still out on whether this is just some sort of extravagant cosmic joke, but rock legends Metallica and Lou Reed did, in fact, make an album together.
It’s called “Lulu,” and it’s terrible — an incoherent mix of Lou Reed’s bizarre come-ons and Metallica playing a parody of the nuanced metal that made them legendary. Try a 30-second sample for yourself.
Did I mention that it’s a 90-minute-long concept album about a stripper who starts marrying various men and then gets murdered by Jack the Ripper? There’s that.
Anyway, I haven’t listened to whole album. Some people did, and here are the best hilariously cruel things they’ve said about “Lulu.”
— “A triumph of lazy spiral-bound nihilism, the style is relatively easy to inhabit (brazenly sexual, casually racist, occasionally disregarding how words work).” — Matt Ealer, Josh Galloway and Brad Nelson, Sound of the City
— “Though ‘Lulu’ (Warner Bros.), their first studio collaboration, is a work that invites derision, an album that wallows in a tarpit of ugliness, anybody who has followed the careers of its makers shouldn’t be too surprised. They’ve both gone off the deep end before, though never quite so spectacularly.” — Greg Kot, the Chicago Tribune
— “Including the nefarious masked villain who Inception-ed this idea into Lou Reed’s hapless cerebral cortex while he slept, [Lulu]’s a failure. … It reads like a misguided Bukowski impersonation and sounds like field recordings taken from Guitar centres across America.” — Jeremy D. Larson, Consequence of Sound
— “The album is gorgeously recorded: It’s like you’re actually there getting yelled at by Lou Reed during a Metallica rehearsal. It sounds like an album Nick Cave might make if he were American, unstylish, desperate to get out of some kind of contract, and absurdly angry about whatever lost bet forced him into this method of doing so.” — Nitsuh Abebe, New York Magazine
— “Lulu represents … A confident, unvarnished attempt at taking arcane high art (Lulu is based on theatrical German expressionism from the early 20th century) and repackaging it for denim-clad teenagers huffing gas in Arizona parking lots.” — Chuck Klosterman, Grantland
— “By the time “The View” was released in its full, five-minute ghastliness — with Hetfield variously professing himself to be a table, a 10-story building and, possibly, the premier member of Philly hip-hop band the Roots — the Internet had all the evidence it needed to preemptively crown Lulu the Worst Album of All Time. … Instead, we get Hetfield belting out [“Brandenburg Gate’s] “small town girl” chorus like he’s trying to summon the next featured attraction at a strip club.” — Stuart Berman, Pitchfork
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