Justin Bieber just got roasted hard.
Kevin Hart, Martha Stewart, Shaquille O’Neal, Jeffrey Ross, Hannibal Buress, Will Ferrell, and many others all took the stage Saturday night to joke about Bieber’s career, love life, fans, and legal mishaps to a star-studded crowd that included Dave Chappelle, John Legend, Chrissy Teigen, John Mayer, Jaden Smith, Kendall Jenner, and Kourtney Kardashian.
Kevin Hart on Justin Bieber:
Roast master Kevin Hart began the evening by saying:”Tonight we are gonna do what parents and the legal system should have done a long time — give the boy an arse-whuppin’ he deserves.”
Hart added that Bieber “has the voice and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder,” and is definitely not as gangster as he acts:
“Orlando Bloom took a swing at you; you have a perfume called Girlfriend; you threw eggs at a house — not gangsta.”
Hart concluded with a zinger about Bieber’s ex-girlfriend: “Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight. Just because she didn’t want to be here.”
“Justin as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.”
Shaq added: “Justin is worth $US200 million, and in prison, that’s worth four packs of Kool.”
Comedian Hannibal Buress:
“Justin, I don’t like your music. I think it’s bad, man. I hate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.”
“The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower,” she joked, referencing Bieber’s 60 million Twitter followers.
Will Ferrell as “Ron Burgundy”:
He joked that Bieber is “a full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands,” adding, “He sings to 9-year-olds, and his hair is like a gay figure skater.”
Comedian Jeff Ross was especially brutal:
Calling him the “King Jofrey of pop,” Ross said: “Seth Rogen thinks you’re a conceited piece of shit, and he hangs out with James Franco.” He didn’t stop there.
“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”
“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would have Uber’d to Auschwitz.” Yikes.
Ross ended with this nugget: “Justin, you have such a huge career behind you.”
The comedians didn’t only roast Justin Bieber, they were brutal on each other too.
“Hannibal Buress is famous for exposing Cosby. He’s only famous for exposing Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences … that Hannibal Buress would become famous.” — Pete Davidson
“All these rappers on stage and Martha stewart has done the most jail time.” — Natasha Legerro
“Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theatres.” — Ludacris
“Is that Kevin Hart or did Shaq take a shit?” — Jeff Ross
“Congratulations Hannibal Buress, you are only the Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him.” — Snoop Dogg
“I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather.” — Ron Burgundy
“A lot of people are upset that Justin hasn’t won a Grammy. There is Martha Stewart. She can be your grammy.” — Jeff Ross
“Kevin is the only celebrity with a star on the yellow brick road.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Martha is so old, her first period was the Renaissance.” — SNL‘s Pete Davidson
But Bieber took it all in stride.
The 21-year-old took the stage at the end of the night and joked:”What do you get when you give a teenager $US200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
And then, in a serious turn, Bieber apologised for his past behaviour.
Acknowledging he “turned a lot of people off” over the years, Bieber explained, “There was no preparing me for this life. I got thrown into this at 12 years old… I lost some of my best qualities. Things I’ve done that don’t define who I am. I look forward to being someone you’re proud of. Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man.”
Bieber concluded his speech by saying, “You have my word, I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter, or sitting on someone else’s roast. I’m at a moment of change. This is a new day.”
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