Jon Stewart wants America’s helicopter back.
The Daily Show host opened Thursday night’s program with a bit about the downed chopper SEAL Team 6 left behind during its raid on Osama bin Laden‘s house.
“Now that we’ve come off the Four-Lokovian-like high that was our balls out, SEAL Team 6 assault and evil-ectomy, some troubling questions linger about the country we were so close with we couldn’t tell them we were about to invade them,” Stewart said.
Why do we need that helicopter returned? Well…
“You don’t want to have that secret technology in the wrong hands, aka Pakistan,” Stewart told the world. “Not that they don’t deserve our trust; they took very good care of our secret helicopter, hiding it behind what appears to be — I swear that’s a real picture — they are hiding it behind a room divider from West Elm.”
Isn’t the United States’ relationship with Pakistan just a little absurd? Why yes, of course it is.
“For the past 10 years, Pakistan has taken like $20 billion of our money — ostensibly to help us — all while continuing their nuclear program, continuing to provide some level of support to the Taliban, and letting our No. 1 enemy, Osama bin Laden, crash in their guest house like some kind of turbaned Kato Kaelin,” the host said.
Oh, guest houses.
Luckily, President Barack Obama sent John Kerry to negotiate for the chopper. Stewart imagined the Pakistani officials gave it back after being bored by one of the former presidential candidates interminable speeches.
Then John Hodgman joined the proceedings and argued America needs another conspiracy.
“A good start would be admitting bin Laden isn’t dead,” he told the host. “War spending is the only sector of our economy that’s booming. Do you want to risk popping the terror bubble? It’s our last bubble.”
“You’re saying John, to save our economy, we need to get some new bin Laden conspiracy theory going?” Stewart asked with mock incredulity.
Alright then. There is plenty more below.