JON STEWART: 'You Can't Simultaneously Fire Teachers And Tomahawk Missiles.'

jon stewart, daily show

The Daily Show took last week off, and Jon Stewart returned on Monday night to a radically different world.

“We were gone for a week. Anything interesting happen while we were gone? I mean, HOLY SH*T,” the host said. “When we left the world, its two biggest trouble spots were Wisconsin and the set of Two and a Half Men.”

“And then all hell breaks loose. I don’t even know what to look at. Japan has just disintegrated into the sea, while simultaneously poisoning it. Middle Eastern regimes firing on their own people. Knut, the polar beer, dead. I’m sure he killed himself after watching the news.”

The biggest event? It has to be the battle raging in Libya.

“We’re at war? Again? I don’t want to be a pain in the arse but don’t we already have two wars,” Stewart said. “Wars aren’t kids where you don’t have to pay attention to the youngest one because the older two will take care of it. It’s not a baby war.”

And what’s the deal with the name of the mission, Operation Odyssey Dawn.

“Did you really name a combat operation after a Yes album?”

Stewart wondered where exactly the United States was going to get the money to fight a war, especially considering so many politicians spent two weeks complaining that the country was broke.

Then, inspiration!

“You can’t simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles. Wait, I just got me a brilliant idea. At oh-600 hours, the United States commenced operation ‘Blackboard Down.'”

The Daily Show – Odyssey Dawn
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