The Best Goldman Jokes Of All Time

goldman sachs jon stewart

Some of the past year’s best (and worst) jokes have been lobbed at Goldman Sachs.

In fact, the world’s top comedians probably owe the firm a couple of kickbacks for all the fodder they’ve provided, what with Blankfein’s “God’s work” joke, a partner losing his Goldman credit card, and Fabulous Fab’s famous email.

Now, we can see why some at Goldman might think the jokes are getting a little old.

But we love Goldman Sachs (so much that today, we’re dedicating most of our posts to the firm and working from right outside of the firm’s headquarters, in the World Financial centre), and we think they’re funny so we hope everyone at Goldman thinks they’re funny too.

President Obama

'By the way, all of the jokes here tonight are brought to you by our friends at Goldman Sachs. So you don't have to worry, they make money whether you laugh or not . . .'

- President Obama

Steven Colbert

'Why are government employees filing a civil suit against Goldman Sachs? That's just going to be embarrassing in a few years when they all go back to work at Goldman Sachs.'

- Stephen Colbert

David Letterman

The top 10 Goldman Sachs excuses:

10. Huh?

9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing

8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich

7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight

6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks

5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?

4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?

3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate

2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag

1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?

Jay Leno

'$8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq! I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.'

- Jay Leno

Jimmy Fallon

'While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a 'complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.' Then he realised he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive.'

-- Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart

Upon hearing that Goldman Sachs was handing out $16 billion in bonuses, after the $5.4 billion in bonuses from January.

'That was January... It's only April... Was this their daylight savings time bonus? Groundhog didn't see its shadow bonus. Do you give that bonus to the bonus in January so the other bonuses don't get lonely?'

- Jon Stewart

Jay Leno

'Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?'

- Jay Leno

Jon Stewart

On Goldman's 'shitty deal' and consequent ban on swear words:

So let the word go forth, Goldman may still fuck you over, but from now on, they themselves will refer to it as making sweet sweet love to you.

- Jon Stewart (Goldman clip)

Chris Rock

After the SEC announced the Goldman investigation, the popular joke:

A man is only as faithful as his options.

- Chris Rock

Was re-worked to fit the situation (ie 'a banker is only as faithful as his options').

Jay Leno

'President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.'

- Jay Leno

Conan O-Brien

Who would invest in Goldman Sachs mortgage investments? I played it safe and bought Greek bonds and magic beans.

- Conan O'Brien

'Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.'

- Jay Leno

While the US economy was in meltdown mode, employees of the Securities and Exchange Commission were all watching porn!

Ironically, the porn they were watching was Goldman Sachs screwing America!

- Dasher

Investors at Goldman Sachs were irate about reports that the company had used investor funds to chase risky and reckless investments.

Specifically, they wanted to know why Goldman Sachs had donated $1M to the Obama campaign.

- The Raving Rabbi

You've seen what the funniest comedians think about Goldman...

... Now check out what regular people think about Goldman Sachs.

'Man on the Street' asks people what they REALLY think about Goldman Sachs. Watch >>>

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