It’s the Holy Grail of air travel: satisfying your lust 30,000 feet above the ground. Few are able to join, and the barriers are downright intimidating. Finding a willing partner is hard enough. Once you get that done, you need to find your way through a plane that’s pretty crowded (thanks to post-financial crisis route cuts), dodge flight attendants and hope a line doesn’t form outside the door. Even if you are able to pull all that off, you still have to cope with the cramped conditions in the plane’s lav – hey, it’s barely big enough for one, let alone two who are in there specifically to move their bodies.
So, you want to become a member of the most exclusive air travel club, and you need answers. I can’t help you find a partner – that’s entirely your problem – but I can give you the logistics. Here are five simple steps to joining the mile-high club:
1. Start in your seat: your time in the lav is going to be limited, so you’ll want to make a little progress before dashing down the aisle. The hard part is to balance discretion against the need for results: you don’t want to put on a show. Throw a sweater or blanket over your lap to conceal the activity below. When you get started, keep your objectives reasonable; otherwise, you’ll get caught before you really even begin.
2. Wait for the beverage service: it usually comes pretty quickly after the “fasten seat belts” light is turned off, so you won’t have to worry about things in your seat going a little too far. As soon as you see the cart pass your seat, head back for the lav. Do it together, because you don’t want someone getting “in line” in front of you. It’s imperative that you be outside that door. The flight attendants won’t notice, because they’ll be busy slinging coffees, waters and small bottles of horrid wine. You’ll have time on your side.
3. Getting started: the first person to get to the lav goes in, locks the door and waits a minute. The person outside waits for the door to be unlocked and opened slightly. That’s the signal to enter! The person inside should not get undressed until both are in the lav (just in case something goes awry with the unlock “signal” and a stranger accidentally comes in).
4. Follow your instincts: if you need someone to explain what happens next … why are you reading this article?
5. Exit strategy: this is actually where you’re most likely to get caught – because you can’t see what you’re walking into. It’s easy to look obvious to the rest of the cabin, especially if you clownishly poke your head out the door and peer up the aisle. Instead, one of you should exit naturally. If you see someone, clutch your stomach and dart back inside. It won’t be your proudest moment, but you’ll buy some time … and nobody will bother you.
Bonus: if you find yourself on a regional jet, you aren’t locked out of the mile-high club. Sure, the quarters are a bit more cramped. You’ll also have fewer lavs at your disposal and likely will be more visible to the other passengers. The key is to move quickly and boldly, again after the beverage service has begun. You’ll probably be noticed by a passenger near the door … but if you’re joining the club on a plane this small, you don’t mind being noticed.
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