Laura Simpson is Jennifer Lawrence’s self-proclaimed BFF.
The two met seven years ago at an event where they both didn’t know a single person and hit it off over a mutual respect for “Friends” character, Chandler Bing.
But, as Simpson writes, going to the Academy Awards as a “nobody” isn’t as fun as one may think.
“Unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible,” she says. “I have never experienced anything like it. The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo.”
Things got off to a rocky start.
“We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats s— and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild.” [Simpson is the one in the black dress who Lawrence tried to take down with her.]
After Simpson quickly learned to move out of the way, she headed to the bathroom, where “Jessica Biel holds the door open for me and compliments my dress” and “Margot Robbie from ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ shows me her Kardashian-sized diamond ring in line for the toilet.”
Soon, “the show begins and I am seated directly behind the camera’s crane, so unless people are to either side of center stage, I can’t see jack s—.”
Simpson explains, “They mount two maybe 32″ TVs on either side of the auditorium which are near impossible to see so basically everyone in the theatre is just sitting in complete darkness during the categories.”
And not only can attendees not really see what’s going on, but they are also deprived food for the three-plus hours-long show.
Suddenly, says, Simpson, “you realise you are STARVING and haven’t had any food since breakfast at 9 a.m.”
So naturally, most head to the bar to fuel up on liquid calories.
“After waiting for my date’s category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable. The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d’oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered.”
Luckily, thanks to host Ellen DeGeneres’ pizza bit during the show, there is plenty of greasy ‘za available backstage.
“My date comes out after her category and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the greenroom where there is pizza.”
And then came the A-list celebrity sightings.
“After the show we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, ‘I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.'”
When the show ends, the night of parties is just beginning.
“Everyone goes to Vanity Fair where, much like the Oscars, photographers yell at you and no one gives a s— that you are a human being unless you’re famous,” complains Simpson. “We can’t enjoy ourselves because everyone, whether they know my date or not, has some weird story they just NEED to tell her as they stand in front of me pushing me out of the circle. I get tired of this and decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to ‘If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy’ by Rod Stewart.”
Next up, “We head to Guy OSeary’s party where there is no press and people can actually have a good time.”
Around 3:30 a.m., the night concludes “with an earring/hair headache and major Barbie feet.”
Overall, Simpson says, “The whole experience was completely exhausting, overwhelming and surreal. I think what I took most away from the evening was how lovely all the women were. Actresses tend to get a bad reputation but every woman I met was lovely, witty and introduced themselves to me even though I wasn’t famous — even Anne Hathaway. And Kerry Washington, if your marriage doesn’t work out… CALL ME.”
But not everyone was as down to earth as the women of Hollywood.
Simpson says her award for “Most Hollywood” of the night goes to Harvey Weinstein for “shaking my hand at the bar and saying, ‘you know who I am.'”
Read Laura’s full account of Oscar night on MySpace, here »
NOW WATCH: Briefing videos
Business Insider Emails & Alerts
Site highlights each day to your inbox.