Forget Vampire Squid: Goldman Is Worse Than “A Pudgy Housewife Who Broke Her Diet With A Few ‘Nilla Wafers Between Meals”

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We’ve just started dissecting Matt Taibbi’s latest Goldman Sachs takedown, “The People vs. Goldman Sachs.“The story argues that the Senate subcommittee’s report on the financial crisis “is enough evidence for Goldman Sachs to stand trial.”

And we think we’ve already found the new Vampire Squid line…

(The original, as a reminder, goes like this: “The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.”)

The new one makes its appearance in about the sixth paragraph:

 “Defenders of Goldman have been quick to insist that while the bank may have had a few ethical slips here and there, its only real offence was being too good at making money,” Taibbi writes in this month’s Rolling Stone. “We now know, unequivocally, that this is bullshit.”

And then comes this:

Goldman isn’t a pudgy housewife who broke her diet with a few Nilla Wafers between meals — it’s an advanced-stage, 1,100-pound medical emergency who hasn’t left his apartment in six years, and is found by paramedics buried up to his eyes in cupcake wrappers and pizza boxes.

The imagery is as evocative as the now-famed Vampire Squid line… Perhaps it’s s not as grisly, but it’s pretty funny, so we’re betting it takes off.