“Sam Dastyari, ladies and gentlemen! He’s here all… term.”
This is Senator Sam Dastyari:
Dastyari became the Senator for NSW after the seat was vacated by Matt Thistlethwaite in August last year.
He’s posted pretty much everything he’s said in Parliament so far to his YouTube channel, but it’s immediately obvious that he’s only just discovered how to really pull the crowds.
Puns. Excruciating puns.
And yesterday, Dastyari thought he’d found the mother lode when Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced he’d be reinstating Australian knighthoods.
You can watch his latest epic rant “Game of Tones” for yourself some way further down this page but we warn you, it isn’t easy – although it does get a little better towards the end.
To save you some time, here’s all his best japes at a glance, with some notes we added in case you miss the punchlines.
“With Holden and Ford already leaving, the carriage industry is a growth sector this government is prepared to embrace.”
(Hehe. “Carriage industry.” He means “car industry” – 6/10)
“I do not want to send the bazaars into a flurry.”
(He’s talking about the effect on markets – 7/10)
“Dame Gina Rinehart is prepared to supply the shields, armour and weaponry.”
(Easy shot – 2/10)
“Friends, let me be clear: together we will stop the moats.”
(A pun on “stop the boats”, but of the exceptionally bad type you find in Australian tabloids. This is a “one-way pun”, the kind that doesn’t actually make sense upon close examination and is simply word substitution without thought. The best puns work both ways – 1/10)
“…dozens and dozens of pounds can be saved.”
(A kind of meta financial play on the old “A storm hit *insert backwater town* and caused hundreds of dollars’ damage” line. One of his better attempts – 8/10)
“…ministries, in addition to knighthoods, will now be determined through a jousting tournament in the caucus room.”
(Lazy – 3/10)
“Despite what the court wizard may say, I believe (Senator Sinodinos, currently facing the Inquisition) will float and be returned to the court forthwith.”
(Good intention with reference to the Salem Witch Trials Ordeal by Water, but let down by seemingly failing to understand that floating denotes guilt – 5/10)
“Friends, we need a leader who knows that winter is coming, for all of us know that we are living in the time of the Game of Tones.”
(A strong finish, combining climate skepticism with popular culture – 9/10)
If you’re still breathing, here’s the video in full:
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