How To Train Your Dolphin To Be An Assassin

Military dolphins

Photo: YouTube/GreekT

On Tuesday we heard about the Ukrainian marine mammal program, which trains dolphins to not only find mines in the water and track down divers, but supposedly these dolphins are also outfitted with weapons that they can be used to kill people and even put a bomb on a submarine.We started wondering, how would one go about training these dolphins?

Here’s your step-by-step guide, inspired by this History Channel clip about the Soviet training program used in the 60s.  

First, you have to find a dolphin. You can get one on the black market, but the 1973 Marine Mammal Protection Act may get in your way if anyone finds out.

Place the wild or captive dolphin in a pen and separate it from its social group.

Create a strong bond with the dolphin by spending a lot of time with it.

In the U.S., the Navy Marine Mammal Program uses positive reinforcement to train its animals.

But, in the Soviet Union dolphin program they relied on fear and anxiety. To do this with your dolphin, drain water from its pen to wear down its resistance and put it in a harness and muzzle.

Deprive them of food to make them reliant on you and food rewards that they get for performing tricks — like killing enemy divers.

Put them in isolation tanks, because they don't like to be alone. That way, when you let them out, they will be completely attached to you. These are the most effective dolphin soldiers.

Equip your dolphin with a nose cone that contains a small clamp. Train the dolphin to swim up to the diver and nudge him with the cone, which tags him so divers could find him from the surface.

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