Graduation is over and summer is here meaning a new crop of first-year analysts will begin to descend upon Wall Street.
First-year analysts, or any Wall Street newbies for that matter, want to kick arse and take names.
The question is, how do you do that?
Fortunately, Wall Street veteran Andy Kessler, the author of “Wall Street Meat,” has released a new e-book called “How To Kick arse On Wall Street” explaining how.
Kessler, a former analyst, investment banker, venture capitalist and hedge fund manager, has detailed his own top 10 steps for kicking arse on Wall Street.
We’re not going to steal his thunder, so you’ll actually have to get the book to find out what they are.
However, he does impart several nuggets of wisdom that first-years definitely need to take note. For everyone else, this is a great refresher.
'If you sit on your arse and do all the things your hemorrhoid-annoyed boss tells you to do, you'll end up a doormat and stepped on and replaced when the newer, prettier version comes along. You've got to make a name for yourself. Stand out. Become indispensable.'
'Men, find the most middle of the road suits you can find. Don't show up in a Canali or Armani suit. Bad impression. But also don't show up in a J Ferrar suit you just picked up at JC Penney. Hickey Freeman is safe. You won't embarrass yourself with Calvin Klein, Joseph Abboud, Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole. Navy Blue. Charcoal grey. No taupe, please.'
Figure out how to explain the dumb reason you were arrested, because you'll be asked (and drug tested).
'It may take hours to get through human resources. They'll take your fingerprints and sent them to the FBI. You can't work on Wall Street if you've ever been arrested for forgery. Makes sense, kinda, from the days of handling stock and bond certificates. So they still do it. Be ready to explain any old embarrassing arrest records (I had to!). You may also have to take a drug test. Stick with Southern Comfort for the month before you start.'
'You'll most likely get invited to age 9 happy hour. Definitely go. Even if it's on a Monday. Let others buy you drinks. It will make them feel important. Don't overdue it. We'll get to keeping your reputation later. There's plenty of time to show off your beer pong chugging skills. Just not week one.'
'If you have the smarts, you are going to kick arse. At first, others will, er, appropriate your work as their own. Don't let it get to you. Put your head down and keep cranking.
When someone steals your work or your ideas -- it happened to me all the time -- eventually will be in a situation where they will have to come up with something on their own -- and they will barf, screw it up, dig a huge hole for themselves.'
'Some days it outright sucks. You get yelled at. You get put in your place by someone you thought you knew well at your firm. Your clients tell you you're a bag of shit. It ain't fun. Just know that going in. Other days are peaches and cream.'
'On Wall Street, there are traders, bankers and salesmen. An old adage on Wall Street suggests the way to get the best traders is to take a yellow cab into Brooklyn or Queens and hire the first three guys you see when the meter reads $10. Rough, tough and street smart. Investment bankers, on the other hand, are relationship types, and should come from the finest business schools - Harvard, Wharton and maybe Columbia in a pinch. And salesmen? Used cars and aluminium siding are relevant experiences...
'People do get pigeon-holed. Once a banker, always a banker, but don't let yourself get stuck in some dead-end role. Check out what everyone else does.'
'Your primary task as soon as you walk in the door of any Wall Street firm is to get a mentor, someone to watch, to learn from, to absorb by osmosis, to ask dumb questions of, to suck the meaning of life from. A mentor, guide,adviser, sponsor, counselor, supporter, teacher. Except no one, or at least few people, want to be your mentor.
Everyone is too goddamn busy to deal with you. They are all working to generate revenue so they can get paid at the end of the year. You'd just be a distraction, a nuisance, an annoying appendage needing surgical removal.'
So you kinda have to sneak up on somebody.
'If you get assigned a mentor, you should drop them immediately. They'll be worthless. Anyone given the task of being a mentor is someone who is an underachiever that management figures has extra time on their hands with nothing better to do than to mentor newbies. You want an underachiever as a mentor? I didn't think so.'
'Don't ever lie. Don't even shape the truth to make it sound better. On Wall Street, all you have is your reputation. If you lose that, you are toast. Longevity comes from maintaining that reputation with all your constituents including your own firm, companies, institutional investors and those retail customers that work with or deal with your firm. Taint your reputation, and someone else will fill your shoes. Creeping hubris is terminal.'
'In good times, you'll be paid in cash. I don't know if anyone actually hands out checks anymore, but try to get a check, something tangible for all that work. Then immediately cash it (in case they change their mind) and keep it in the bank. Buy a nice dinner. Don't buy a Porsche or a place in the Hamptons or a NetJets card. Not yet. Build up the notorious FU money. At least a year or two of living expenses in case you want to leave or have to leave.'
'Figuring out how to excel will separate you from the losers. Of course, when markets are real time, participants have to worry about longer-term issues, rather than some sneaky time advantage. That then becomes your edge. We're not there yet but high frequency trading and the firehose of information blasted to you and everyone means you can win by being ahead of news, not reacting to it.'
'That's another reason to read, read, read. It's the only way to turn back time.'