- Your husband-to-be likely has zero understanding of what wedding planning really entails.
- An online resource that lists the various aspects of wedding planning, plus the order in which they should be completed, can work wonders.
- Have your fiancé skim over the to-do list. Chances are he’ll realise there are at least a couple of tasks that pique his interest, like the music selection or what his groomsmen will be wearing.
- Think about your fiancé’s budget obsession as an opportunity to have important conversations about values. You may also be able to use his money interest to your wedding-planning advantage.
- Make little dates out of the planning process, like sitting in the park or grabbing cocktails while you discuss table settings, invitation stationery, or the caterer.
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I recently got engaged, and my fiancé and I started the wedding planning process. I’ve had fun researching venues, dresses, and the like, but whenever I ask my partner for input about anything wedding-related, he immediately tells me he doesn’t care and that I can make all of the decisions.
Normally, this wouldn’t bother me because I like organising and planning, but my husband is obsessed with one thing: the budget. Since how much money we do or don’t spend affects literally every aspect of the wedding, it’s nearly impossible to nail down any plans, and entirely impossible to do so without a fight.
Last week, for example, I found a florist I loved and booked her without consulting my fiancé. When I told him about the cost after the fact, he freaked out and I ended up cancelling the arrangement. How can I prevent future fights and planning setback like this and get my husband more interested in the entire process?
Congratulations on the engagement! As you’ve started to learn, wedding planning is no easy feat, especially when your other half seems entirely disinterested.
There’s a major chance your husband-to-be has zero understanding of what wedding planning really entails, so when you ask him, “What do you want to help out with?” his mind goes blank. Luckily, there’s a fairly simple way to educate your uninformed partner on what it really takes to plan your nuptials.
According to Landis Bejar, a licensed mental health counselor and owner of wedding planning therapy practice AisleTalk, finding an online resource that lists the various aspects of wedding planning, plus the order in which they should be completed, can work wonders.
Print out that list (Bejar suggested The Knot’s Wedding Planning Checklist), sit your man down when you’re both free and in good spirits, and explain that there’s, um, a lot to get done over the next year. Then, have him skim over the to-do list. Chances are he’ll realise there are at least a couple of tasks that pique his interest, like the music selection or what his groomsmen will be wearing.
If he’s still adamant that money is all that matters to him, stress the fact that the budget affects every other aspect of the wedding, and his insistence on controlling money but lack of interest in planning has made the process beyond difficult for you.
Bejar suggested saying something to-the-point like, “You need to figure out how to care about the budget and some other things.” It takes two to get married, after all, and if he’s not willing to lend a hand now, it could be a huge red flag indicating that bigger, more important situations down the line, like buying a home or having kids, will be especially difficult.
Keep in mind, too, that obsessing about money often has to do with more than the money itself. “Arguments about money aren’t about money. They are about our dreams, our fears, and our inadequacies,” relationship coach Kyle Benson wrote on The Gottman Institute website.
Getting to the bottom of why your fiancé cares so much about the wedding budget (maybe he’d rather spend the dough on a future home or vacation, or learned frugal habits since he was a kid), will create more understanding between the two of you and could mitigate potential future fights over money.
Perhaps, too, you could use your partner’s money obsesson to your wedding-planning advantage by assigning him the task of researching wedding costs, from everything like the photo booth you want at the reception to the typical hourly rate for a DJ. That way, he can feel clued into the amount of money it takes to have a wedding and you can decide together what you both feel comfortable spending.
Also consider how you can make wedding planning feel less like a stressful chore and more of a fun couple’s experience. For starters, you and your fiancé should agree on a time to dedicate to the wedding plans every other week or so. Once you have that time set in stone, Bejar suggested making little dates out of it, like sitting in the park and having a picnic or grabbing cocktails at a nearby bar while discuss table settings, invitation stationery, or the caterer.
Considering the number of things that need to get done between now and your big day, wedding planning will never be a walk in the park, but with a bit of effort from both parties, the experience won’t be one that makes you feel like you need to pull your hair out and scream.
As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it – no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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