Going through a break up can be challenging. Whether or not you were the instigator, the pain of moving on is hard to handle.
Since relationships aren’t one size fits all, people react in different ways. That’s why it’s so difficult to narrow down a single cure for heartache. But don’t fret — while there may not be a easy fix, there are tips and tricks that the professionals swear by.
As psychologists working in New York City, Dr. Karen Weinstein and Dr. Michael Zentman have seen their fair share of patients battling through a break up. They don’t claim to have all the answers, but they do have general sense of how to help people heal a whole quicker.
Here are six ways to get over a break up:
'Reflect on the relationship for what it was, likely it was neither all good nor all bad,' Dr.Weinstein suggests. 'Resist the common tendency to idealize the relationship. It's very common to only recall and focus on the wonderful aspects of the relationship. This makes it even harder to accept the reality that it's over and is the equivalent of 'denial' in the stages of grief.'
One way to reflect would be to make a list of things you weren't happy with in the relationship. By the end, you might realise that the separation was for the best.
Another tip from Dr. Weinstein, albeit slightly cheesy, is to hit up the self-help section. She recommends the books 'It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy' by Greg and Amiira Behrendt as well as 'Don't Call That Man!' (revised under the more contemporary title 'Don't Text That Man!') by Rhonda Findling.
'The whole field of self help books does seem to assume that only women struggle with breakups, which is far from the reality,' she admitted. 'Regardless, there are some thoughtful gems of advice and support in (these books).'
'The best thing someone can do is talk about their feelings about the loss with close friends and other loved ones,' Dr. Zentman says. 'Hearing yourself say how you're feeling and having a witness can be very helpful.'
Grab drinks or dinner with a close friend who's willing to listen for a while and see where the conversation leads you. You may even learn something about yourself.
'There will be much wisdom to gain if a person can be self-reflective and figure out what they contributed to the breakup,' Dr. Zentman adds.
'Identify all of your feelings especially the impulsive, darker, angrier ones, but try not to act on them,' Dr. Weinstein recommends. 'Acting out can include behaviours ranging from excessive drinking, overeating, shopping, to obsessively texting your ex, online stalking of your ex, (or) promiscuous sex.'
And even though getting a break up haicut may sound healing, she says you should wait.
'Even making dramatic changes to your appearance like a radically new haircut or colour or a getting a tattoo is not advised. There will be time for a fresh new look once you feel more stable,' Dr. Weinstein recommends.
'Personal journaling can be helpful for some people,' Dr. Zentman says. 'I say personal because going public with these feelings on social media can often inflame the situation. It may feel good to have a bunch of people publicly attack an ex, but, in the long run, this will not contribute to healing.'
So put down the smart phone and pick up a journal. It will be much better for your mental health in the end.
'Often, seeking the help of a professional can facilitate this process. (Use) the break up as an opportunity to learn about yourself, to reflect on choices in partners,' Dr. Weinstein says.
Find a psychologist that's right for you and you'll see things start to work themselves out.
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