Massive layoffs are hitting Wall Street this fall.
The good news is the severance packages are pretty good. (At UBS, for example, we heard they’re about 3 weeks of pay times the number of years worked at UBS.)
And when you take into consideration that growth prospects at investment banks are low (read: bonus prospects are low), leaving the Street now might not be a terrible idea.
So if you want to get fired or be “RIFed” (be part of a “reduction in force), here are some things you can do courtesy of an analyst at Here is the City, who researched the most common reasons why employees get fired.
Of course, some of these will obviously get you fired without compensation. So use your judgment.
Example: The RBS girl who was fired without compensation after a co-worker told their boss about posts she had written on Facebook.
Kate Furlong read an article saying RBS would cut 3,500 jobs. In anticipation of being laid off, she updated her status on Facebook and wrote: ''I speak for myself when I say WoOOOO oooo Ooooo HOoooOooOoo,' among other things.
Example: The Credit Suisse guy who got drunk and trashed his colleague's cubicle over the weekend, perhaps on Friday after everyone in the office had left to go on vacation with their managing director.
Example: Expert network consultant Don Chu was fired by his firm in the wake of allegations he'd broken company policy and traded material, non-public information with hedge funders.
Example: The bank worker who ejaculated into a co-workers drink bottle without her knowing, twice, and she drank it. After the second time, she assumed her water tasted strange for one reason, and had her boyfriend ejaculate into a water bottle to see if her suspicion was right.
The banker 'admitted in a taped interview that he ejaculated into an 'attractive' co-worker's water bottle because 'her lips had touched it.''
Example: Four women were fired in New Hampshire in 2007 'in part for gossiping and discussing rumours of an improper relationship between the town administrator and another employee that residents now agree were not true.'
Example: Jamie Dimon and Sandy Weill, 'through a series of unprecedented mergers and acquisitions,' formed Citigroup.
Dimon left Citi November 1998, and 'it was rumoured at the time that he and Weill got into an argument in 1997 over Dimon not giving Weill's daughter, Jessica M. Bibliowicz, a promotion.' Dimon stated that Weill fired him.
Example: The guy who said he had degrees from Oxford and Harvard, and that he had also worked for JPMorgan for 20 years.
The problem is that Gwinell actually hadn't worked for the bank. His degrees were also fictitious. But the headhunters had already set him up with a new gig as deputy CEO at Ahli United Bank. Obviously he was sacked when they found out the truth.
Example: Before he was fired for alleged insider trading at FrontPoint, Chip Skowron was sacked by Millenium for poor performance.
Skowron lost Millennium 'a lot of money' and wasn't a 'team player by any means.'
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