Dear Facebook: I Need A New Feature Please

First, let me profusely thank the hundreds of folks I don’t know for sending me friend requests on Facebook.  I’m flattered and honored, and I wish I knew who the hell all of you were.

I realise that I may just be a dinosaur here, but I’m reluctant to accept your friend request because then my Facebook news feed and other Facebook pages would be even more clogged with meaningless trivia by and about people I don’t know.  I’ve already mostly given up using Facebook because the news about the folks I do know is usually buried in mountains of details about the folks I don’t know. I’m happy that all the latter folks are busy being friends with each other and using Facebook apps and buying stuff and saying stuff, but I’m afraid all that news has made it so I no longer have any idea what my actual friends are doing.

I most certainly don’t want to diss you by refusing your friend request, though!  There’s nothing like the feeling of telling someone that you’d really like to be their friend only to be stuffed in return, and there’s already enough to be depressed about in the world.

(I’ve occasionally thought about trying to solve this problem by “unfriending” everyone who isn’t actually my friend, but that’s too horrible to contemplate. I don’t know how I’d get through the day if Facebook kept sending me emails about how people I didn’t even know were “unfriending” me.)

So what often happens, I’m afraid, is that your friend request gets left in purgatory, unanswered, in the hope that someday I might actually meet you and become your friend.  And that sucks!  And, truth be told, I’m actually using Facebook less than I would if I didn’t have to be filled with guilt about ignoring people who are kind enough to want to be my friend every time I log in.

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to accept all of your friend requests!  As of this day forward, anyone who wants to be my Facebook friend can be my Facebook friend, and, again, thank you.  I really am honored.

But now I have a request for Facebook:

Please develop a new feature called “Personal Friends” or “Work Friends” or “Extra Special Friends” or “BFFs” or “Friends You Want To Hear Meaningless Trivia About All Day Long.”  Please give me the ability to put friends in these groups without telling them I have done so (and, more importantly, without telling the friends I haven’t put in the groups that I haven’t.  I REALLY don’t want to offend anyone). 

Please develop this feature soon, so I can be friends with everyone who wants to be my friend and yet can also follow my actual friends without pissing all my other friends off.  If you do that, by the way, I’ll finally also be able to just unplug LinkedIn.

Thanks, Facebook!

PS: If Facebook already allows me to do this and I’m just too old to have noticed, I’d be grateful if someone could let me know how.

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