Why Gwyneth Paltrow Will Never Be The Next Martha Stewart

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Everything you see — “Regis and Kelly,” the New York Post — is telling you to accept Gwyneth Paltrow as your new domesticity mogul, your Martha Stewart 2.0.

Don’t do it.

Paltrow might look like she’s on her way to lifestyle world domination.

Her cookbook, “My Father’s Daughter,” is climbing the New York Times‘ bestseller list.

She’s rumoured to have both her own food magazine cover and her own food magazine, period, in the works.

But come on — Paltrow displacing Stewart? It’s not going to happen. Unlike Martha — or, for that matter, moguls like Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee — Paltrow has not an ounce of everyday relatability.

Her GOOP blog is for women who have the time and means to tinker with tedious recipes and expensive ingredients. Its brand depends on a certain amount of snobbery — consider the St. Patrick’s Day cocktails she offered as a “reprieve from shots and green beer.” One called for “Berneroy fine Calvados, Galliano Ristretto Liqueur, King’s Ginger Liqueur, and homemade vanilla sugar.”

Paltrow’s also not a relaxed, intuitive natural at this stuff — her press tour cooking stints are stiff and practiced. And speaking of practicing, as long as Paltrow is working on her singing, it’s safe to say she lacks the focus to achieve Stewart status.

Ironically, her fledgling music career is actually contributing to all this cooking buzz. Paltrow as lifestyle superstar is a theory that has less to do with her new cookbook than the simple fact that she’s everywhere right now, seeping into the public consciousness and convincing the press, through sheer ubiquity, that she’s worth building an empire on.

After all, as Paltrow’s been making the rounds with her cookbook — so has Eva Longoria. And we don’t see anyone penciling her in for a Food Network timeslot.

Bottom line: we doubt Stewart — or the scores of real celebrity chefs in line for her throne — are losing too much sleep over Paltrow.

And they never will — unless Paltrow proves us all wrong by turning out a hit cooking show on which she sings for wealthy friends about the benefits of low sugar intake.