Groupon Writes The Funniest Product FAQ We've Ever Read

Baby Money

Photo: The Fresh Express

Groupon and its CEO, Andrew Mason, are well known for doing and saying things that are a little eccentric to amuse its users and attract attention.Users who unsubscribe from the service get to see a video of Andrew physically abusing the employee responsible for letting you down. In June, the company started sending bizarre, unexplained gifts — including a grand piano — to one user per day. Andrew once let on that he had 20 cats so he could correct the false rumour in an interview on CNBC.

But the latest offer from Groupon is a new high on the weirdness scale: Groupon is offering a $60,000 college grant to any child born from parents that met on a Groupon date. Or so Andrew said on stage at TechCrunch Disrupt. The published details are a little vaguer.

If you’re wondering whether this is all a joke, the new site’s FAQ probably won’t reassure you. But it will entertain you, because it is absolutely hilarious.

Check it out:

Q: Is this for real?

A: Yes. Unlike the moon landing, Grouspawn is for real. It's really real. For real.

Q: How do I apply for the college grant?

A: Fill out this form. You and your co-spawner must have used a Groupon on your first date and must prove it with a multitude of evidence: a photo taken with a newspaper with a date on it, testimonials, credit-card statements, blogs, etc.

Q: What are you looking for in an applicant?

A: We have very low standards. The amount of proof you'll need to submit in order to earn the grant will eliminate most people. Beyond that, you must only possess a desire to send your child to college.

Q: What happens after I apply for the grant?

A: Our crack team of nosy researchers will investigate if you have, in fact, gestated a true Grouspawn. This may include talking to friends and family, delving into your personal life, and taking samples of fluids you didn't even know you had. By the time your spawn turns 18, college will cost a million dollars a second and will be located inside the moon, so it's worth it.

Q: What does this cost?

A: Nothing. Grouspawn's dating service, like love, is literally worthless.

Q: What if I spawned twins?

A: No problem! They can attend college through a complicated scheme in which they pretend to be one person.

Q: My parents conceived me while on a Groupon date. Do I qualify?

A: You might, but only if they used a Groupon on their very first date and they have a way to prove it.

Q: Does the Groupon Promise apply to my co-DNA donor or Grouspawn? Like, if I don't like him/her, can I get a refund on the price of the Groupon?

A: No.

Q: How does the Date Assistant work?

A: Browse our selection of eligible hunks and she-hunks--they're all real people. Take a second to create your own profile, then contact your potential love interest/spawn partner.

Q: Does Groupon vet the people on the site?

A: Unlike our high-quality deals, we are in no way vouching for the authenticity, non-creepiness, or criminal record of anyone on this site. Any interaction stemming from the Grouspawn Date Assistant is up to you. Be smart and follow common sense. For some first-date safety tips, check out this advice from Match.com

Q: What if I don't see anyone I'm into, or can't find a date on here?

A: You can still give birth to a Grouspawn even if you don't use our Date Assistant. Here are five other places you may find love:

  • Supermarket
  • Gym
  • Mattress Store
  • Veterinary Hospital Bathroom
  • Amusement-Park Tram Ride

Q: Why did you create the Date Assistant?

A: Our planet (Earth) is dangerously underpopulated. To address this alarming fact, we're encouraging our customers to meet each other and procreate, thus populating the planet with additional Groupon customers.

Q: How are babies made?

A: It's disgusting.

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