15 Reasons You Don't Want To Work At Goldman Sachs

Four Goldman Partners

Photo: Business Insider

There are plenty of good reasons to work at Goldman Sachs; we’ve written about them before.But inspired the bank’s miserable earnings report this morning, we realised that the negatives are piling up considerably.

Right now, if you’re deciding where to work on Wall Street, you’re probably focusing on the downside of working at Goldman.

Your time is not your own, it's Goldman's time

This is practically a motto at Goldman, and it's certainly something your boss will tell you, especially if you make the mistake of asking how to manage your time better, or god forbid, complain about working on weekends or into the late night.

If you want to get to the C-level - just ask one woman on her way - you probably have to give up hobbies and exercise.

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You're losing Silicon Valley, the biggest IPO game in town to Morgan Stanley

IPOs use multiple underwriters but banks still want the 'coveted upper-left hand corner of the box listing involved banks' on the filing.

Morgan Stanley has been listed as the 'first underwriter on all the hottest Web' IPOs -- LinkedIn, Pandora, Groupon, Zynga. Goldman was in the 'prestige' spot only 3 times.

And, even after Goldman was a certainty to lead a future Facebook IPO, it messed up; now Morgan Stanley is expected to lead. Plus, Blankfein personally pitched GroupOn and still didn't get top spot.

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If you talk to the press, you could lose your job.

You're practically walking on eggshells in public.

If you talk to the press, you risk losing your job. If you stay at your job while getting press attention, your co-workers will probably harass you, like they did the rapper Allen Mask.

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If you party too hard in public, you could lose your job

In 2009, if you partied with more than 12 of your co-workers, you would have broken Goldman's rules.

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The firm nit-picks what you're wearing worse than high school

The list of how NOT to look at Goldman is long.

1. No tans

2. Don't wear too much makeup

3. No Ferragamo loafers

Random strangers hate you for no reason

Random strangers hold protests outside your office.

People dream up weird conspiracy theories about you.

Anonymous people on the internet publish a website, GoldmanSachs666.com, about how evil you are.

Even John Cusack hates you.

And everyone who reads the Rolling Stone thinks you caused the financial crisis, meanwhile everyone who reads everything else thinks you caused the food crisis.

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Your bonus pool is shrinking.

You're friends are making more working at a hedge fund.

And your bonus pool just shrunk by 16% more than last year this year.

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You work at a cult

Interns this year were reportedly turned off by Goldman employees who acted too cool, as if they assumed the best interns would, naturally, choose Goldman.

One of the interns that rejected Goldman for another firm told us that that 80% of the interns Goldman accepted rejected them.

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Your embarrassing emails could be paraded in front of the public

You're part of a public company that gets sued a lot so, your emails might get published in the press, which will probably take what you said out of context (like Fabrice Tourre's) and write terrible things about you like:

Tom Montag's 'shitty deal' email is now a t-shirt.

Stacy Bash-Polley told her subordinates to package what they couldn't sell in CDOs.

Your nickname is Vampire Squid

After Matt Taibbi's famous take down, Goldman Sachs was brought to the attention of many who didn't even know it existed, and bank wil forever now be known on Main Street as the Vampire Squid.

In case you don't remember, the Rolling Stone article described Goldman like so: 'The world's most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.'

Your company might hang you out to dry

Fabrice Tourre is the fall-guy for the whole ABACUS debacle. It looks like Tourre has finally realised it and is doing some work in his own favour, but regardless, the damage is done. Obviously, he made mistakes. But with the SEC, Goldman scored a huge break for themselves and basically hung him out to dry.

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If you're a woman and you happen to get a promotion, everyone will assume it's BECAUSE you're a woman.

Goldman Sachs got sued BIG time last year by three women who claimed to lift the lid on egregious mis-treatment of women at Goldman.

If it's true, that's bad enough. Either way, Goldman will now try to promote more women in order to combat the negative PR.

So congrats! You just got promoted for good PR.

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They try and keep you at the office with fattening, addictively yummy food

Yes, at first glance, having a Shake Shack beneath your office is amazing.

But actually, when you think about it, the delicious burgers and fries are too good to resist, so, being at the office all the time, you're going to clog your arteries and gain about 10 pounds. (Since you have no time to work out, because you're working or sleeping).

The U.S government and multiple agencies are STILL after you

The SEC charged both Goldman Sachs and Fabrice Tourre with fraud on sub-prime mortgages, while other banks who structured similar CDOs have not had to undergo the same public congressional scrutiny.

The SEC looked into the bank again over Facebook, and staff were instructed to keep all documents connected to Facebook because of the probe. And then it even started looking into Goldman's relationship with Libya.

Meanwhile, Senators have asked the DOJ to investigate Blankfein and others for perjury. And the New York D.A has opened a probe.

And people make jokes at your expense...

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