The unofficial Goldman Sachs guide to New Year's resolutions

Exercise. Read more. Save money. Travel. Those are the staple resolutions.

But if it’s not that complicated, why are there so many fat, dumb, poor people who don’t even have passports?

So, forget about all of the tired, regurgitated resolutions that you recycle unfulfilled year in and out. Here are twenty practical and realistic goals for 2016 that will fundamentally make your life better:

  • Return your hoverboard. You look like a jackass Martin Shkreli.
  • Write down your goals. Less than 10% of people fulfil their resolutions, but the ones who write them down have a much higher success rate. Take it a step further and make a list of what you want to accomplish each day, week, and month. Forget an app; go old school.
  • Turn off Netflix at midnight. Just chill.
  • Get a comprehensive health exam. If possible, from Donald Trump’s physician.
  • Read more. Hardly an original idea, but it’s seldom accomplished. This year, try being specific. Make a list of 10-15 books – a healthy mix of fiction, non-fiction, and a few classics you should have read in college. I’ll get you started with Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, Mark Bowden’s Killing Pablo, Ron Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton, or this one.
  • Stop drinking soda. While you are at, give up orange juice too. Instead, drink green tea with fresh ginger and manuka honey. It cancels out the ten drinks you had the night before.
  • Stay in on Friday nights. Your weekend will become infinitely better, and your bank account will benefit too. It’s time to act like an adult; get drunk at brunch on Sundays instead.
  • Invest in a Bitcoin wallet. Because it will be the best-performing currency in 2016.
  • Come back to Twitter. Sure, engagement is down and relevance has peaked. But there is still no better way to efficiently curate news and information.
  • Spend more time with old people. The Greatest Generation now makes up less than 1% of the US population. Find a World War II veteran and take him to lunch from time to time.
  • Plan regular FBTs (Fake Business Trips). Get away from your life for a few days to relax, and, if need be, let some bad out. It will make you a better partner and parent.
  • Get promoted. Forget about LinkedIn; it’s the for the underemployed. Invite your seniors out, get them into a bar and network the old fashioned way.
  • Freshen up your wardrobe. There’s a reason Michael Jordan wore a brand new pair of shoes every game. While you’re at it, donate your old clothes to Career Gear or Dress for Success – non-profits that provide clothing and career guidance to low-income men and women.
  • Take a class. Sign up with a friend to make it more fun and help you see it through. It could be anything – cooking, coding, or photography. The Nikon D810 SLR even comes with free classes.
  • Forget about unrealistic health pledges. You don’t need some insane diet or detox regime. They don’t actually make you live longer. It just seems longer. Eat sensibly, drink in moderation, and exercise; it’s not rocket science.
  • Laugh more. Socialise. Drink. Throw parties. Host drunken game nights. Upgrade your friends if necessary. It’s the life in your years, not the years in your life.
  • Say no to fitness gimmicks. You don’t need to start taking the stairs or parking as far away from the Whole Foods entrance as possible. And don’t prepay for thirty personal training sessions. Take up a competitive sport instead. Remember that feeling as a kid when you’re on the field, not thinking about anything else? Most of us have forgotten how great that feels. So join a basketball league or find someone to play tennis with. And get some of these.
  • Skip the dramatic savings scheme. Giving up the $5 daily latte? Bringing your lunch to work? That just makes you the office pariah. Don’t go crazy with anti-social or unrealistic goals. Keep it simple; spend less than you make, and save up for the big-ticket items until you can afford them.
  • Declare the bedroom technology free. Does this even need an explanation? It means more time for reading, sleep, and sex. And go ahead and upgrade your mattress. We’re talking about 1/3rd of your life.
  • Stay in on New Years Eve. It’s amateur night and it rarely lives up to your expectations anyhow. This year, stay home with a bottle of something nice. Then start January 1 early and productively.

John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator on Twitter, and the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals

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