They said it’d never happen – partly because it was a bad idea and partly because the cast, crew and audience were visibly bored during its last few years – but Entourage is finally coming to the big screen.
Almost 18 months since its final episode limped out to a deafening lack of interest, it has been announced that Warner Bros has greenlit the long-rumoured Entourage movie.
Creator Doug Ellin has written the script and will direct the film in the coming months, ahead of what’s likely to be a summer 2014 release.
It’ll be so nice to see all our favourite characters back together. Vince, Drama, Ari, Ari’s screeching bundle of offensive stereotypes, the one who looks like Super Mario, the Michael J Fox one, the women who existed only to be shrewish, the women who existed only to take their tops off, no other women.
All back on screen doing what they do best – hanging out, flirting at girls, encountering no real plot momentum at any point and generally saying “bro” so many times that you’d happily reach inside the screen and strangle them all to death if you could.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that the blueprint for the Entourage movie can be found in the Sex and the City films.
They may be pitched at entirely different audiences – SATC for women who like shoes and terrible puns, Entourage for boys who stink of Lynx Africa – but they’re both low-expectation, plot-light HBO comedy-drama ensemble franchises that ostensibly exist to make audiences wish they were part of the gang.
And that’s great. If the formula is successful, then the Entourage movie could be as successful and well-received as Sex and the City: the Movie. However, if Ellin gets it even a couple of per cent wrong, he’ll end up with Sex and the City 2 – perhaps the most inept, reviled juggernaut wreckage in recent movie history. Sex and the City 2 temporarily united the planet in hatred.
Some people still can’t say the title out loud without flinching. If the Entourage movie has to achieve anything at all, it’s that it cannot be like Sex and the City 2 in any way.
Fortunately, Sex and the City 2’s flaws were so gaping that Doug Ellin should be able to see them a mile away. For example, he should remember the title of the show. One of the most quoted problems with Sex and the City 2 is that it didn’t take place in a city and there wasn’t any sex in it. Likewise, Entourage should remember that it’s about a group of friends in Hollywood.
Nobody wants another long subplot about Johnny Drama’s quest to break out and make a funny cartoon about an angry monkey, or Turtle’s tedious imported tequila business. And it should stay in LA. No romping around Europe or China or anywhere where its even conceivable that someone could make a “Lawrence of my labia”-type pun.
Next, remember the age of your cast. Jeremy Piven and Kevin Dillon are both pushing 50; Piven is the age at which he makes ITV period dramas for a living. By the time the film comes out, everyone will be a full decade older than they were when the show debuted.
It’s getting to the point where the girls who the characters will inevitably crack on to will be young enough to feasibly be their daughters. Even if the show technically is about the arrested development of the Hollywood set, that’s still a bit creepy.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, go easy on the merchandise. When SATC2 was released, you could barely breathe for all the cash-in tat floating around. You could even buy a packet of knickers based on the individual personalities of each main character. That must not happen with Entourage. There is not a single person on earth who would willingly wear a pair of Kevin Connolly pants.
There. All Doug Ellin needs to do is follow these rules and he’ll have a hit on his hands. A dull hit that probably should never have been made in the first place, but a hit nonetheless.
This article originally appeared on guardian.co.uk
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