- Relationship expert April Masini broke down the tell-tale signs that someone hasn’t forgiven you, even when they say they have.
- If a person stops calling or texting you like they once did, this can be a sign things aren’t the same anymore.
- Fighting and bickering can also be signs that someone hasn’t actually forgiven you, even if they say otherwise.
- Visit INSIDER.com for more stories.
There’s an old saying that goes, “Forgive and forget.” The ideology behind the phrase, however, is sometimes easier said than done. One one hand, apologizing can help smooth over problems and conflicts from the past. But, on the other hand, it’s entirely up to the other person to accept your admission of fault.
In some situations, a person may say they have accepted your apology but in actuality, they haven’t really forgiven you. We talked to relationship expert April Masini to get the scoop on how to know for sure.
These are the five signs that someone has not forgiven you, even though they say they have.
One of the first signs that someone hasn’t forgiven you is that they don’t call or text the way they used to
Disagreements happen. But, if you’ve had a big blow out with a friend, co-worker, or another important person in your life, apologizing can help ease the tension, according to Masini.
However, if you’ve exchanged apologies, but one or both of you isn’t making the effort to stay in touch the way you used to, then that could be a sign that things aren’t OK.
“It’s one thing to apologise, but after the kind words are exchanged, people tend to go home and sit with their feelings,” Masini told INSIDER. “And, although the apology has been tendered, the bad feelings are still there. Things, like not texting or calling, are ways to keep that anger going. So, if you experience this after an apology, chances are, you’re not as forgiven as you thought you were.”
Even after an apology, there can still be some trust issues and you may feel like they are second-guessing you
Sometimes saying sorry isn’t enough. Despite your best efforts to explain how sorry you are, the person on the receiving end may not be willing to truly accept your apology even when they say they have.
Read more:There are 3 parts to the ‘power apology’
Per Masini, this can cause trust issues and you may feel like they are second-guessing your every move.
“When someone apologizes, and you accept that apology, but you really don’t trust them after what they did – even though they have said they’re sorry – you may start to second-guess their behaviour,” she said. “This second-guessing is a sign of mistrust, and it comes after an apology that rings hollow.”
Things still feel frosty between the two of you, even after you’ve apologised
It can be tough to know whether or not someone has actually accepted your apology. If things still seem rather chilly between the two of you after you try and make your peace, then that can be a sign that your apology wasn’t well-received.
“If apologies have been exchanged, but you’re both still cold towards one another, and there are no warm hugs, warm compliments, or genuine expressions of emotions between you, that apology is not working,” explained Masini.
You start to notice that your friend is replacing you with someone new
Sure, fights and disagreements can create some awkwardness in a relationship. According to Masini, however, your friend or partner may find someone new to take your spot if they haven’t actually made peace with you.
“If, after an apology, your friend starts befriending someone else, and it sure looks a lot like the two of them are suddenly best friends, it’s because they haven’t really forgiven you,” she said. “The same goes for an apology in a romantic relationship. If you apologise to your partner but find that they’re dating someone else, it’s because they didn’t really forgive you. The apologies were good manners, but it obviously didn’t work.”
The two of you bicker over the small stuff that shouldn’t matter
Most of the time, apologies can help clear the air in uncomfortable and hurtful situations. But, if you still find that the other person is picking fights with you over things that don’t carry much weight, then they may still be harboring some resentment toward you.
“If someone forgives you and then picks, bickers, and fights with you about small things like the trash, the dishes in the sink, and the socks on the floor, it’s not because these things are worth the fights,” Masini said. “It’s because they have not forgiven you, in spite of a shared apology. And they’re looking for other outlets to express their anger.”
Forgiveness, however, as hard as it may be sometimes, is good for your health. According to John Hopkins Medicine, accepting apologies and forgiving others can help lower your risk of a heart attack, improve cholesterol levels and sleep, and reduce pain, and blood pressure. It can also help improve your levels of anxiety, depression, and stress.
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