Who do a pro wrestling guru, a witch, and a crazy lady have in common? They were all Republican candidates for serious public office in 2010. (That would be pro wrestling’s Linda McMahon, Christine O’Donnell, and Sharron Angle, for those playing along at home).
If you thought 2010 was the high point for choosing crazy candidates, then you’ve probably been pleasantly surprised by the 2012 Presidential nominees. They’re even crazier! For that, we can thank the Tea Party, who refuses to let anyone to the left of Hitler get nominated.
So far, the movement has produced (and spit out) some fairly messed up individuals. Perpetual hypocrite (and raging sham-wife for her closeted husband) Michele Bachmann was one of the first to garner significant Tea Party support. She even won the Iowa Corn Dog Eating Contest/Straw Poll this summer. That proved to be about as useful as her husband’s claim to cure homosexuality, as she currently sits near the bottom of the pack in every relevant poll.
Rick Perry was another whack job to get a lot of Tea Party support, primarily because Perry loves executing Mexicans. Bloodthirsty Tea Partiers sounds like an oxymoron to our resident British writer, but to everyone who covers politics in America, it makes perfect sense. They are, after all, the only political movement in history to deny Darwinism but advocate Social Darwinism…UNIRONICALLY.
In any case, the religious portion of the Tea Party loves Perry’s approach to government: get God involved as often as possible. Drought in the state? Pray for rain. Rain doesn’t come? Pray harder, you heathens! And tithe until it hurts! Rain still doesn’t come, triggering state-wide wildfires? Pray God will put those out by parting the Red Sea. Budget debt have you singing the blues? Pray, pray, pray. Hell, you can even join the Bachmanns and unsuccessfully pray the gay away.
For this insanity, Perry was rewarded with a few weeks as the top candidate in the race. Because, yes, what America needs is another semi-literate arrogant Texan to run the country. The last one bankrupted us and sent troops all over the globe, like he was playing Risk with Monopoly money. Clearly we should drink from that well again.
But, Perry didn’t last, in large part because New Hampshire (Home of the Sane) would rather secede from the Union than allow that raving lunatic within 100 feet of the Big Red Nuclear Button. Perry is polling at 4 per cent in New Hampshire.
Desperate for a candidate other than Mitt Romney (the Tea Party can’t stand that he fought for health care and clean water for his constituents in Massachusetts), they now turn their lazy eye toward the Pizza Guy, Herman Cain. Jesus Tapdancing Christ…they’re seriously considering nominating the pizza guy for president.
Cain’s big plan is his 9-9-9 plan: Nine large pizzas, nine toppings, $9.99 each. No, wait. That was at his last job. His CURRENT 9-9-9 plan is a relatively simple, straightforward increase in taxes on poor people and giant tax cut for rich people and corporations. It’s also known as the “Let them eat cake” plan, except the cake has been replaced by a pile of flaming dog feces, and it costs you 18 per cent of your minimum wage income to get a whiff of the aroma.
For that, Cain has been gifted a solid 20 per cent of the vote and a solid second place, behind Mitt Romney.
When Cain falls (and he inevitably will – even Republicans realise they need to do better than the pizza delivery man to beat Obama in 2012) which crazy SOB will step up and play second fiddle to Mitt Romney? The smart money is on Rick Santorum. He’s polling at roughly zero, but he has the two things Republicans look for in a presidential candidate: he wants to cut taxes for the wealthy, and he really, really, really, really, REALLY hates gay people.
Would ANY former Republican presidential candidates be allowed on stage to debate, let alone have a shot at winning the nomination among this Tea-Party-fuelled thunderdome?
Ronald Reagan and his plan to increase taxes on the wealthy would get booed off stage. Dwight Eisenhower’s 90% tax rate on the very obscenely wealthy would probably get him called a traitor or a fascist…without even a hint of irony. Hell, even Barry Goldwater, the father of the modern conservative movement, would be around 1 per cent with this crowd because Goldwater refused to murder gays for Christ, or whatever Ann Coulter is caterwauling about this week.
Whatever the case, be sure to tune in tonight to see all your favourite crazy people in action, as they debate important topics, such as (1) Which is more likely an actual person: a corporation or a homosexual? (2) Should the rich pay ANY taxes? (3) Do we count Herman Cain’s voters fully, or only give them 3/5 a vote each?
The debate starts Tuesday night at 8 pm. God help us all if one of these lunatics wins.
— John Thorpe
You can reach the author by email [email protected] or on twitter@johndthorpe.
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