- Deal-breakers in relationships are the things that will cause you to call it quits – no matter how long you’ve been together.
- Some common deal-breakers include a partner’s stance on having children, a lack of responsibility with money, or a lack of ambition.
- We asked dating and relationship exerts to name some of the biggest deal-breakers people cite for breaking off a relationship.
- Visit Insider’s homepage for more stories.
When you’re considering the type of partner you want in your life, there are plenty of things that may make your list.
From their sense of humour to their looks to the way that they treat you, everyone has some sort of picture of who they classify as the ideal mate.
But just as there are specific things that we look for the person that we’re dating to have, there are things that we hope to never encounter, too.
Although everyone’s list of deal-breakers may not be exactly the same, there are a few things that many of us can probably agree on. Here are 12 of the biggest deal-breakers – according to experts – to compare your list to.
They won’t address the issues that you present.
Regardless of how long you’ve been with a person, one of the most important things in a relationship is ensuring that both you and your partner are happy. So, if you’ve found yourself in a predicament where your comfort is put in jeopardy and your partner is doing nothing to rectify the issue, psychologist Dara Bushman told Insider that this could definitely be something to drive your relationship to its end.
“When you first started dating, you felt connected and were having a great conversation that was very stimulating and soul-nourishing,” she said. “Over time though, you’ve began feeling a disconnect. The disconnect may not be the concern – it’s the partner’s aloofness, inability, or unwillingness to discuss what the disconnect is.”
“If you’ve approached the topic and your partner becomes guarded or even defensive, this could be a deal-breaker. Communication is foundational.”
They have changed their mind about having kids with you.
Another important topic that should be discussed before deciding to go the long haul with a potential mate, is whether or not you see kids in your future together.
But if one of you has second thoughts or is on the totally different side than you are, according to Bushman, that should totally be a deal-breaker.
“Another big deal-breaker is someone changing their stance on having kids with you,” she said. “If you wish to have children while your partner already has children – or even if you’re both childless – and they were initially open to creating a family together, but after some time decide against, this can be crushing. They may seem great on paper and you even convince yourself you can make do without your own children for a bit. After a while, however, you may realise that the lack of flexibility from your partner is more than just about not wanting more children. A real and lasting relationship would find compromise.”
They have a tendency to cancel plans at the last minute.
Few things are worse than making plans with someone and then having them cancel at the last minute. And, if that repeat offender just happens to be the person that you’re in a relationship with, it could very well be the reason why you’re considering ending things with them.
“Having spontaneity in a relationship is good, but if your guy or girl is always cancelling at the last minute to do something that ‘just came up,’ that’s a deal-breaker,” matchmaker Bonnie Winston told Insider. “It shows they do not respect your time, your plans and your interests. For example, if the person blows you off without much notice for something like a sports thing with their friends, that’s a deal-breaker.”
You are not on the same page when it comes to finances.
During the initial dating phase, how your partner chooses to spend their money may not be that big of a deal.
As you start to grow in your relationship, however, it could become more of a focal point and if you’re not on the same page, it could cause a lot of friction.
“Not being close to or on the same page concerning spending money is a deal-breaker and many cannot get over the strain of finances,” Winston said. “Additionally some people feel being consistently cheap with everything, bad tipping, or rudeness to waiters is a deal-breaker as it indicates that someone is just not generous in other areas.”
They’re showing a lack of interest.
Although it seems like a simple thing to note as a deal-breaker, many people ignore the signs when there’s a lack of interest from their partner, and according to Winston, it may not always be as simple to spot as you think.
“If one partner makes the other partner feel unattractive, divvys out criticism of the way one dresses, comments on weight, or other things like that, it can come off as if they are not interested,” she told Insider. “Likewise, if one person always talks about themselves and never shows interest in you, your life, your job, your friends, or your family, that can, and probably should be, seen as a deal-breaker.”
You don’t have the same values.
When you choose your partner, you should consider all aspects of the person, and that includes comparing their values to yours. Do they see eye to eye on values like integrity, ambition, love of family, and other things important to you?
“Attraction and chemistry are great, but what happens when looks fade and the spark wears off?” Rachel DeAlto, a Match.com relationship expert, told Insider. “If your potential partner differs significantly on a core value, the relationship can be doomed.”
When they get upset, they fight dirty.
DeAlto also said that if you’re with someone that talks down to you or treats you poorly when you are having a disagreement, you may want to reconsider the reason behind continuing the relationship.
“Everyone gets angry on occasion, and sometimes we even say terrible things we don’t mean,” she explained. “The deal-breaker arises, however, when people get nasty during every argument – name-calling, gaslighting, and failing to listen are all traits that lead to misery in a relationship.”
It’s important to note that these can also be the signs of a potentially abusive relationship too. Your partner should never make you feel unsafe and if they do, exiting the relationship should be done with care and potentially with help from a professional and your loved ones.
They aren’t over their ex.
Although you may be super into someone, if they’re still hung up on someone else, you shouldn’t let that slide.
“You know when someone is still stuck in their past,” DeAlto said. “Their emotions are still high when they talk about them – positive or negative. Often they even admit they aren’t ready, but it’s rationalized away.”
There’s no sense of vision.
For many people, lack of ambition or drive in a partner can be a huge turn-off. That doesn’t mean that it’s a deal-breaker for everyone. But according to relationship expert and dating adviser Jeffery L. Miller, it should be.
“Being a very determined and successful person and pairing with someone who is content can be detrimental to any relationship,” he said.
There’s a history of abuse with you or someone else.
Whether physical, mental, emotional, or sexual, if you hear of someone being abused, it may seem like an easy fix to “just leave.”
Unfortunately though, Judy Ho, a psychologist and author of “Stop Self Sabotage,” told Insider that it’s not as easy as it seems, nor is it that simple to notice that it’s happening.
“Physical or sexual abuse are absolute deal-breakers in a relationship and occur more often than one might think,” Ho said.
“What is sometimes tougher to spot is psychological or emotional abuse. Sometimes this occurs alongside physical and/or sexual abuse but sometimes it can occur in isolation.”
She continued: “Emotional abuse can be extremely damaging. Some examples include extreme control, like tracking your whereabouts, demanding that you don’t spend time without them, and telling you that you are no good, worthless, and nothing without them. It can break someone down to the point that they don’t believe they deserve any better and therefore continue to stay in an abusive relationship. If this is happening in your relationship, it should be a deal-breaker.”
There’s a constant denial of a substance abuse problem or refusal to get help.
If you are with someone who is dealing with addiction, it can be tempting to stay with them. And while support from a partner can help people overcome addiction, if it’s taking a toll on you and they aren’t seeking help, it could be time to leave, Ho told Insider.
“There is no shame in suffering from such a disorder, but it can wreak havoc on a relationship – not to mention the person’s life in multiple domains like physical and mental health, work, and other social relationships,” she said. If someone refuses to seek help for their substance abuse, lies about their use, or you notice that the problem is getting worse over time, it’s a deal-breaker.”
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