Hilarious news spoof machine The Onion has found its way to Goldman Sachs again, this time they’ve crafted a report on the one moral individual hired by the bank.From The Onion
Seeking to mollify critics over its role in the global financial crisis, Goldman Sachs announced Friday the hiring of junior analyst Greg Kohler, who executives said is the investment bank’s first and only employee to possess a clear set of morals or a basic understanding of right and wrong.
The piece couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time as recently, Goldman has been trying to show a warmer, fuzzier side. Lloyd Blankfein made the rounds on financial TV this spring (very rare) and the company even got a twitter handle (transparency!). But apparently The Onion, known for its cutting satire, doesn’t think Goldman’s campaign goes far.
See, Mr. Kohler clearly represents the bank’s attempt at a PR makeover, and in the piece he is secluded in a “16-square-foot office in a seldom-traveled hallway adjacent to the office cafeteria’s dishwashing facility”, barred from “ever taking a high-ranking position within the U.S. government, as that would present a serious conflict of interest,” and of course, he reports to no one and has no influence within the company.
“While Mr. Kohler won’t be attending a single meeting or influencing any of our business decisions, we’re confident his acute sense of professional integrity will prove a valuable asset,” Siewert continued..
….Kohler will report to a vice president of private wealth management who will be barred from communicating with him in person, by phone, or over e-mail in the event Kohler accidentally hears about, and thus has to report, any instances of duplicitous behaviour.
Even more hilarious was the comment that a fake Goldman employee made about the hire. This individual, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, of course, expressed concern that Mr. Kohler might destroy the bank’s carefully crafted culture:
“On a certain level, I’m not worried about having him on board—he’s just one guy, after all—but the mere fact that we’ll be sharing an office with someone who plays by the rules is extremely depressing,” said a managing director who spoke on condition of anonymity. “At the end of the day, you just want to cut loose with a few of your coworkers and expense a $2,000 meal without having to think that someone’s back at the office doing his job with professionalism and character.”
“It’s just that I value the tradition we’ve all worked so hard to create here,” he continued. “I wouldn’t want one virtuous person to ruin that.”