Charlie Sheen Thinks Lindsay Lohan Should Work On Her 'Impulse Control'

Sheen Lohan

Charlie Sheen is in love.

Considering Sheen’s past abusive and felonious relationships with women, we feel comfortable saying: no one deserves it less than you, Charlie.

We don’t know yet who the unfortunate woman is, but when Sheen called in to Dan Patrick’s radio show, he said she is not an actress, and “the world will know soon enough.”

Sheen was in high spirits during the call, though he still sounded sort of crazy and egomaniacal — but that’s how we imagine he sounds at his best.

Regarding the future of his hit show Two and a Half Men, which has been temporarily suspended while Sheen is in rehab, following news of various benders of hookers, booze, and coke (that, shockingly, ended up with Sheen being hospitalized), Sheen said:

“People need to understand how supremely grateful I am that someone stepped in here, I don’t want to say who. Basically Viacom showed up at my house, and said we don’t give a rat’s patootie about the show, we care about your health.”

Right, Charlie. Cause you’re such a great guy! It probably has nothing to do with the $155 million the show made in ad revenue in the 2009-10 season alone.

Sheen said he was never drunk or high at work, but sometimes he asked to be positioned next to furniture — just so he could lean on it.

“But that is an expert move by a seasoned professional,” Sheen said. “An amateur stays on his mark, then falls over during the show.”

Useful tip!

The strangest part of Sheen’s call was that he took a moment to give Lindsay Lohan some advice (Dave Letterman actually joked a few nights ago on a Top 10 list “Signs Lohan has gone too far” that this might happen.)

“I got some things I recommend she consider,” said Sheen, “And I don’t give advice to anyone.”

“Work on your impulse control. Try to think things through just a little before you do them.”

Then Sheen turned contemplative over Lohan’s latest legal troubles. “They are so desperate to vilify without fact,” he said sadly, trailing off.

Click here to listen to the call at >

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