Charlie Sheen has been putting “Two And A Half Men” showrunner Chuck Lorre through some pretty bad times lately.
But are times so bad that Lorre should be ruminating on “grief… shooting out of me like kidney stones through an inflamed urethra?”
Lorre’s vanity plates — written statements that flash briefly at the end of his shows — have addressed Sheen and his three-ring circus of lunacy before.
But last night’s indicated that Sheen is really getting to Lorre. The absurd prose, we daresay, sounds a little like it was written by someone who’s got more than a drop of tiger’s blood in them.
Here’s the full text of the vanity plate, courtesy of Deadline:
“Whenever I’ve gone through tough times, well-meaning people have told me that God/the universe does not give us more than we can handle. Well, I’ve been going through a tough time recently, and sure enough, that old saying has been tossed my way on several morose occasions. After some careful consideration, I’ve decided it’s bull$#*!.
As an aphorism, it only makes sense in hindsight – after you’ve managed to crawl from the wreckage of whatever calamity that God/the universe decided to toss your way. No one can ever use it to comfort someone who’s been hit by a bus or turned into a puddle of goo by flesh-eating bacteria (although in the right circumstance, that could be a hoot).
Another thing I hear a lot is, “this too shall pass.” Again, I know these are words meant to reassure, but somehow they always leave me feeling that heartbreak, rage and grief are going to come shooting out of me like kidney stones through an inflamed urethra. For someone in crisis, I think a more accurate and helpful assessment of reality would be, “Love, sex, food, friendship, art play, beauty and the simple pleasure of a coup of tea are all well and good, but never forget that God/the universe is determined to kill you by whatever means necessary.”
Consider trying that next time you’re called on to do some consoling. If you’re feeling impish, you might also try, “According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you’re having your gangrenous leg sewed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but in the big scheme of things, soon.”
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