News

The Day Stockpickr Was Going To Go Out Of Business

My site, Stockpickr.com, had 24 hours before it was going to go out of business and then I would probably have to kill myself. I has passed the 2 year point on a life insurance policy where it was now ok to still kill myself and my kids would still […]
The Day Stockpickr Was Going To Go Out Of Business
News

7 Unusual Things I Learned From Louis Armstrong

Yesterday was 40 years to the day after Louis Armstrong’s death. I saw this photo of him. What the hell is a little kid who used to play trumpet at brothels in New Orleans, abandoned by his dad, his mum a prostitute, shoveling coal in his early years, trumpeting in […]
7 Unusual Things I Learned From Louis Armstrong
News

Live Sex, Chess, And Horrible Shame

Ylon called me, “You have to come to this party. It’s right around the corner from your apartment! There’s live sex performances in one room and a chess tournament with all the top grandmasters in another room.” I thought he was lying to me. I had been asleep. I got […]
Live Sex, Chess, And Horrible Shame
Markets

James Altucher On America’s Last Golden Decade

Shlomo died in a plane crash last year over Russia while looking for diamonds. He told me a joke once: two diamond merchants sitting next to each other on a plane. One keeps moving around, he can’t get comfortable, he keep squirming in his seat. The other asks him, whats […]
James Altucher On America’s Last Golden Decade
News

James Altucher: How I Met Claudia

I was on one of my first dates after I had separated from my wife and the girl asked straight out what my net worth was within five minutes of sitting down. I had met the girl in an elevator the night before.
News

James Altucher: I Shouldn’t Want To Be Liked So Much

I went to a dinner the other night where I was the featured guest and by the end of the evening almost everyone there hated me. It feels bad to be so obviously hated and I always want to be liked. I probably want that too much.
James Altucher: I Shouldn’t Want To Be Liked So Much
Strategy

JAMES ALTUCHER On His 16 Failures Out Of 17 Attempts

What a wierd thing. Its only 8am and so far today I’ve already seen three different, young, pretty women, each with the same distracting physical feature. They all had only one hand. And it’s distracting me from the real issue I wanted to write about. It makes me wonder: will […]
JAMES ALTUCHER On His 16 Failures Out Of 17 Attempts
News

Going To Riker’s Island Prison At 3 In The Morning

I don’t think any of the prostitutes were above the age of 18. One girl told me she was sixteen but who knows. They were all black. The 16 year old was laughing and sort of skipping around while she was talking to me. We were in Long Island City […]
News

Helping Yourself With Psycho-Cosmic Power

I just bought the hardcover version of “Helping Yourself with Psycho Cosmic Power” from AG Manning. The book was written in 1969. I paid $5.50. The paperback version (used) is going for $95. The last time I read this book I was 12 years old. I bought the book for […]
News

On Henry Kissinger, The **** Up And The Accelerated Dragon

Yesterday was a good day. I didn’t read any newspapers. Who cares about Greece. Who cares about all of Europe for that matter. Or unrest in China. I certainly don’t care. Did Obama do anything? Who cares? There’s news about some Congressman but for what and for who and why? […]
News

“I Slept With Over 100 Different Guys”

“I slept with over 100 different guys since we’ve been married,” my dad’s first wife told him in their shit Bronx apartment. “Haha, you have no idea.” His brain fell apart. He threw things, he screamed. I’ve never once seen my dad raise my voice. But crazy can hit the […]
News

Freedom!

The rubber sheets wrapped tight around my bed were soaked with pee every morning when I woke up. I was four years old. I wet the bed every day. And I remember it clearly, getting that first bed. My dad carrying it into my room, replacing whatever cage had previously […]
Strategy

140Love – The Ultimate Dating Service

[credit provider=” mistress_f via Flickr” url=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/mistressf/1434535494/”] It was post-Stockpickr, post-my marriage ending, post-me disappearing from thestreet.com and the financial times, post-my worst-selling book coming out (“The Forever Portfolio”) (see the story of that one and how it relates to dating), post the 2008 financial crisis.Post me spending the night at […]
140Love – The Ultimate Dating Service
Strategy

The Nine Ways To Guarantee Success

I really blew it and everyone knows it. I was even asked to speak at some conference about Failure on I think June 13. I might’ve deluded myself into thinking I’m the keynote speaker. But I might just be on a panel. I don’t know. Hopefully I won’t fail at […]
The Nine Ways To Guarantee Success
News

JAMES ALTUCHER: When I Wanted To Run Away

I was about eleven years old and I was on the phone with the woman from the Runaway Hotline. We both sort of stood there on the line while she was waiting for a “counselor” to get on the phone with me. “Is there something specific you want to talk […]
JAMES ALTUCHER: When I Wanted To Run Away
News

10 Reasons To Do Nothing

I had 2000 words written for a post this morning and my computer crashed and like the most base, worst, amateur, I didn’t have the file saved and I didn’t have any auto-save.
News

JAMES ALTUCHER: About Me In 15 Questions

Four or five years ago, a reader of some of my columns bought the domain name jamesaltucher.com and gave it to me as a birthday gift. It was a total surprise to me. I didn’t even know the reader. I hope one day we meet.
JAMES ALTUCHER: About Me In 15 Questions
Markets

JAMES ALTUCHER: An Idea I Had that Went Down the Drain

I was in the process of separating from my ex-wife and the pain was bordering on suicidal. At the same time my whole family was moving into a new home right at the bottom of the worst housing crisis in the century. At the same time I owned a bunch […]
JAMES ALTUCHER: An Idea I Had that Went Down the Drain
News

The One Week Heroin Addict

“Listen,” I said to the nurse and now I feel bad about it, “I called in for a PERCOCET prescription. You told me, ‘Done!’ and then I went to the pharmacy, waited around for 30 minutes , came back home all excited with my new toys, opened up and saw […]
Strategy

JAMES ALTUCHER: All You Have To Do Is Ask

The guy laughed right in my face. “You have no business card.  You’re not dressed in a suit. Your official office phone is a cell phone number, and you have no marketing materials for me to take home and look at.” The man talking to me had a bright red […]
JAMES ALTUCHER: All You Have To Do Is Ask
News

Why I Want My Daughters To Be Lesbians

[credit provider=”Carrie Sewell Bancroft via Flickr” url=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/babslafox/4662861568/”] The other day a little boy, 11 years old, grabbed the head of my 12 year old girl and forced her to kiss him. She didn’t want it to happen.As innocuous as it sounds, it was the first time her space had been […]
Why I Want My Daughters To Be Lesbians
News

The Power Of Hypnosis

I was on a payphone in Chinatown and I wanted to break up with her. I had just moved to New York City, in part because I knew I couldn’t break up with her if we still lived in Pittsburgh together. I had to move 300 miles away first. It […]
Markets

Didn’t They realise I Was On NATIONAL TV?

I was instant messaging yesterday afternoon with Andy Monfried.   Andy is the CEO and Founder of an online advertising company called Lotame. Before that he was one of the first employees at Advertising.com which sold to AOL for hundreds of millions.  Before that, we were usually on the same softball […]
Strategy

MESSAGE TO ENTREPRENEURS: Stop Bullshitting Yourselves

I woke up at about 4am, made coffee, and read stories by Miranda July, Charles Bukowski (from his book “Hot Water Music”) Nora Ephron (from her book “I remember nothing”) and half a story from John Updike before I was ready to start my own writing for the morning. It […]
MESSAGE TO ENTREPRENEURS: Stop Bullshitting Yourselves
Tech

How Kai Fu Lee Talked Me Out Of Making A Million Dollars

[credit provider=”Wikimedia Commons” url=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:2007GoogleTaiwanPressConference_KaifuLee.jpg”] The other day on Twitter someone asked me how to make a billion dollars. My response: first make a million. [As an aside: follow and ask me any question on Twitter].I wanted to make what I thought would be a quick and easy milion dollars at […]
How Kai Fu Lee Talked Me Out Of Making A Million Dollars
Markets

How I Helped Mark Cuban Make A Billion Dollars

[credit provider=”YouTube” url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkFS1aa9Lz4″] Mark Cuban’s company, AudioNet (later named Broadcast.com), called me up in 1997 because they desperately needed my help in order for Cuban to become the billionaire he rightfully became.  They wined me, dined me, called me up every day, until finally I granted them their wish.
How I Helped Mark Cuban Make A Billion Dollars
News

Yoga Is Humiliating Me Again

I keep doing it to myself. In January I went to India with Claudia to do yoga for a few weeks. I was utterly humiliated in positions I never thought possible while hundreds of people looked on.
News

How To Save The World From Mutual Assured Destruction

I’m a bad son. That’s what started this line of thinking. I was thinking, “What am I bad at?” and the first thing that occurred to me was I’m a bad son. For the six months before my father had a stroke, I refused to speak to him. He was […]
Tech

Why Larry Page And I Are So Different

Every part of my body woke up in a sweat because now, for one of the first times ever, I was in love and I had no clue if the love was being requited. It was around 2 in the morning.
Why Larry Page And I Are So Different
News

Six Ways The Media Is Killing The Party

Wow, there’s this guy screaming in my ear. We were all enjoying a party. I was having fun. I was talking to people, overcoming my usual shyness, even making people laugh a little, when suddenly someone comes in, uninvited and starts screaming.
Six Ways The Media Is Killing The Party
Markets

8 Unusual Things I Learned From Warren Buffett

In 2003 I really disliked Warren Buffett. Like, I personally hated him. After 9/11 he stated “We’re going to have something in the way of a major nuclear event in this country. It will happen. Whether it will happen in 10 years or 10 minutes, or 50 years … it’s […]
8 Unusual Things I Learned From Warren Buffett
Markets

Was Greece Just Nuked?

Where did Greece go? I couldn’t find it on the map of the world this morning. I have a globe and I spun it around. No Greece. I opened up the newspaper. Read it cover to cover. No Greece.  I  tried calling some friends over there. But I couldn’t even […]
Was Greece Just Nuked?
News

Why I Am Never Going To Own A Home Again

Many people have said to me in the past month, “I’m going to buy a home.” Or, “What do you think of the idea of me buying a home?” I like the second batch of people. They are my friends and it seems like they are sincerely asking for my […]
Why I Am Never Going To Own A Home Again
Tech

10 Unusual Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About Google

I made the worst decision in venture capital history in late 2000. I was a partner at a venture firm called 212 Ventures. What? You never heard of it? We had $100 million from Investcorp, $5 million from CS First Boston, $5 milion from First Union (which became Wachovia), and […]
10 Unusual Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About Google
News

Even Dictionary Writers Have Souls

So I failed again. It was one of my New year’s resolutions. I was going to learn Spanish. But you really have to go to someplace where they speak Spanish all day long. Then you have to stay there for fifteen years and watch telenovelas all day long. Then you […]
News

The 24 Hour “GET RID OF PANIC” Method

I was crying because I was afraid my little kid was never going to know who her father was. My head was pounding. It was 3 in the morning and I couldn’t get numbers out of my head. I kept adding things up, ripping them down, adding them up. I’d […]
Strategy

10 Things You Need To Do If You Were FIRED Yesterday

I was brought into the office of the head of the company and he said, “your contract is up and we won’t be needing you anymore.” I asked. “Can I stay a few days more to just finish what I was working on?” And he said, “No. You need to […]
10 Things You Need To Do If You Were FIRED Yesterday
News

Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Universe

Its dangerous to hitchhike and I’ll never do it again after my initial experiences. I was employee #8 at a company called FORE Systems.  I was the worst employee there.  They thought I could write the instruction manuals for their fibre-optic products. I was miserable at this.
News

33 Unusual Tips For Being A Better Writer

[credit provider=”Flickr/Thomas Abbs” url=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/4563690038/”] Back in college, Sanket and I would hang out in bars and try to talk to women but I was horrible at it. Nobody would talk to me for more than 30 seconds and every woman would laugh at all his jokes for what seemed like […]
33 Unusual Tips For Being A Better Writer
News

My Name Is James A. And I’m An Alcoholic

It was my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to the meeting at that church at the corner of Wall Street and Broadway. I thnk it’s the oldest church in the country. Or the city. Or the “oldest” “something”of “somewhere”. We were in the basement and doughnuts were served. […]
Markets

How Stevie Cohen Changed My Life

I wanted to change everything and have it all be better. I was sitting in the waiting area of Stevie Cohen’s office (the biggest hedge fund billionaire out there) and I knew that within a few minutes my life would change. I told my next door neighbour about it the […]
How Stevie Cohen Changed My Life
Markets

21 Unusual Ways my Wife Survived Her Financial Crisis

[This is a guest post Claudia wrote on how she survived the financial crisis. I think there’s a common thread among “survivors” of a deep financial crisis and thats an ability to transform and change the way you think, the way you deal with stress, and your views on what […]
21 Unusual Ways my Wife Survived Her Financial Crisis
Tech

How To Get 85,000,000 Pageviews Even If You Are Ugly

[credit provider=”YouTube.com”] In 7th grade, when we were learning how to square dance, I heard one girl say to another girl whose turn it was to dance with me, “just don’t touch him and you will be ok.”For the rest of that week I pretended to be sick so I […]
How To Get 85,000,000 Pageviews Even If You Are Ugly
News

How to Lose All Your Friends

I went into the 7-11, got a can of Pringles, a bottle of water, a NY Post, and went to the cashier. I asked her, “have you ever been robbed?” She said, “no.” “Well,” I said, “now you are.” She was silent for a few seconds. I was silent. For […]
Markets

What It Feels Like To Be Rich

After losing over one million a week, cash, for the entire summer of 2000, I was forced to sell my apartment. So one day in 2002, all the boxes were packed, the apartment was empty.
What It Feels Like To Be Rich
News

10 Things I Learned Working With Jim Cramer

The first time I met Cramer was on the set of his show “Mad Money”. The show hadn’t officially launched yet but he wanted to try out the idea of having guests on the dress rehearsals.
10 Things I Learned Working With Jim Cramer
Strategy

How To Steal And Get Rich

[credit provider=”Son of Groucho via Flickr” url=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/sonofgroucho/1978820861/”] My eight year old daughter is crying right now.  She’s trying to draw manga-style comic book figures.
How To Steal And Get Rich
Markets

Here’s The Real Reason Facebook Is Worth $50 Billion

[credit provider=”Meanest Indian on flickr”] Beth Wesloh is getting married. When I was in fifth grade I was I love with her. I knew that because I told her I liked her even more than I liked my grandmother’s sister.I had no special feelings at all for my aunt but […]
Here’s The Real Reason Facebook Is Worth $50 Billion
News

The Top 11 Stocks Of The Past Decade, And I Own None Of Them

Who would’ve known that Monster Energy, basically the only fad product of Hansen Natural, would be up 10,000% in the past decade. Why were you all so stupid? All you had to do was put your lifesavings into that stock at 48 cents on January 2, 2001, and you’d be […]
The Top 11 Stocks Of The Past Decade, And I Own None Of Them
Markets

Maybe Insider Trading Should Be Legal

OMG, you whispered something to someone who whispered to somebody on the subway and a guy overheard and made a trade and NOW YOU ARE ALL GOING TO JAIL! What the heck is happening? Every fund in the world is being raided, people are being threatened on the eve of […]
Maybe Insider Trading Should Be Legal
Markets

8 Reasons Why You Should Never Become A Day Trader

Everyone wants to be a daytrader. Let me tell you the best days. You get in at 9:25am. You make the trade your system tells you to make at 9:30. And by 9:45, the trade is done, profitable, and you’re done for the day: $5,800 richer and happy about it. […]
8 Reasons Why You Should Never Become A Day Trader